:Elyse's Reveries:

This one's to you and me, living out our dreams!

2011-07-30T20:22:00.002-07:00

EAMA is over.

Last night was the most fun I have had in Paris so far. I don't want to go into serious details, but just know my night involved dancing, sparklers, french police, and single acapella outside Notre Dame.

I am leaving Paris in just a few short hours, and I haven't slept all night! I planned on a night in jam packed with cleaning, packing, and sleeping...but instead I was convinced game night, delicious pizza, and nutella ice cream were more important. They really were too!

Tonight I went out with Ariel, Rachel, Sonja, Timmy, Travis, Mickey, Aviva, and Karl. We ordered 121 euros worth of pizza and ate every single crumb. Best pizza ever. Then Ariel led us to a gelato shop with nutella flavored ice cream. Delish.

Then we had to all say goodbye to Timmy. Timmy is a great kid. He's only 17 and he already knows more about music than I do and he is still in high school. He's down for a good time but also knows when it is time to be serious and work. Plus, he wrote a flippin' string quartet that got played at one of our concerts. I sure couldn't write a string quartet. Great guy, he's going places. :)

We then rallied and headed for Voulez-Vou for rounds and socializing. Mostly, I think we were just putting off the inevitable:saying goodbye.

So, here it is everyone, my official EAMA wrap-up.

I came to EAMA with the expectation of locking myself in a practice room to get ready for my senior recital. I did get some work done while I was here, but I learned some more important lessons (in no particular order):

I can play with the big boys. There were students here from some of the best music schools in the world, and not only did I play with them, I sometimes outplayed them. :) It was truly amazing to get to perform with some of these people, they are a great example of hardwork and balance for me.
I now know with complete 100% surity "the plan" for grad school. That in itself was worth the trip here. It was also an important lesson that even when you least expect it answers to questions can literally just gobsmack you right upside the head. And thank goodness, this was causing me a large amount of stress.
Musicians' can have lives. Sometimes it's hard to realize that. But it was really great to make friends with fellow musicians, be able to hang out with them, and NEVER talk about music. It was validating to know I was worth hanging out with just for ME and not for anything else.
Knowledge. While I will admit that I didn't love learning species counterpoint, learning about countrupuntal motives from Dr. Lasser was a real treat. It has changed the way that I approach melodies. We are taught so often to think from a tertian harmony standpoint, that sometimes we forget to look at the melody and really analyze it. I also deeply appreciated Dr. Lasser's treatment of music. Sometimes in the Utah "bubble" we equate musicality to having the spirit too often I think. People of every religion, race, etc can love music and be moved by it for no other reason than it is good. So good that people from all different backgrounds can see it.

I also didn't expect to like the people in the program this much. Yes, I expected to make friends, but honestly, I consider some of these people better friends than some of my classmates at BYU. I have met so many great people that I can't even write about it, it would just be too long. But I have made friends that know what they want and are passionate about getting it. They know who they are and won't shove their beliefs on you. They encourage you and congratulate a job well done. Yet, not so serious that we can't get distracted during lecture or make stupid 16th century references in our jokes. I'll miss these people so much, but there are a few friends that I have made that I believe that I will keep in contact with and see again. An experience like this one will change you.

This program also pushed me to realize that I can do things I didn't think I could. I can live in France for a month by myself. I can walk places. I can take the subway. Doesn't mean I LIKE it, but it means I can do it and survive.

More annoying tourists and Beethoven 9

2011-07-26T13:14:00.002-07:00

Today I visited the Rodin Museum and the Army Museum.

Firstly, getting there (which we all know is half the battle):

I took off with no plan other than I knew I wanted to get to the Rodin Museum, figuring I would just hook up with whatever metro went by it at Chatelet Les Halles. So I hopped off and figured it out. It involved a fair amount of walking, but I got to see my favorite bridge again!

Once at the Rodin Museum, I waited in line for about 15 minutes. I got to the counter and told the guy I was under 25 and that I was a student, so I got in for FREE. Love it.

This museum has been the most enjoyable of my travels so far. It's small. There is TONS of seating for you to just sit and take it in.

Probably my favorite piece of Rodin work today was "The Hand of God". This depicts the creation of Adam and Eve. I think it's rather beautiful. The other thing that stuck with me from the tour was a quote from Rodin, something to the effect that repetition and regularity are what really make good art.

You just said a mouthful Rodin.

It was hard to even enjoy "The Thinker" because of the stupid tourists. EVERYONE and their dog thought they were the first person to ever come up with the idea of posing below it in the same stance. My other favorite thing was this one guy who said "I like how they put it up high so that you could get a picture without a whole bunch of heads in it."

Yeah, dude. I'm sure that's exactly why they did it. Idiot.

The ULTIMATE tourist kicker came at the Army Museum. I pretty much just browsed this place. It was neat, but it had a pretty dark feeling to it, so I just strolled through. However, I laughed OUT LOUD at an asian chick who was having her nameless asian friend take a picture of her posing in front of a authentic swastika flag in "Heil Hitler" stance. Dude. SERIOUSLY? SO inappropriate. Not to mention disrespectful.

Napoleons tomb was pretty cool. I had the sudden urge to listen to Beethoven 3 while in there, but it was not on my dumb iPhone, so I put on the next best triumphant classical music: Beethoven 9. I found a spot on a bench and looked up at the ceiling over the Emporer's tomb and took in the last movement.

Epic.

I feel like I finally can go and get places and function properly, and I am going home this weekend! Oh well, I really do miss home. Not like "my home" but "USA". Having a car. Ordering your food and knowing what you are eating. This is not even to mention the complications of living in France in a Spanish speaking dorm, which have also been numerous. :)

Marathon week of concerts, I'm coming for you!

France gets the blue ribbon for anticlimactic.

2011-07-24T11:48:00.004-07:00

To sum it up: the Tour de France ruined my day!

I started out at the Louvre this morning. It was freakishly hot in there. I hit the highlights: Venus de Milo, Mona Lisa, Winged Victory.

I have a bit of commentary I'd like to offer on Mona Lisa:

First off, it is by itself on this huge wall in the middle of a room, it's not a large painting. This is appropriate, as it is "The" Mona Lisa. However, I could not even enjoy the dumb thing because of the swarm of tourists buzzing around it. Every single one trying to take a picture of it on their cell phone. But hey, what can I say? I take pictures in museums. But seriously, I usually look at the art, read about it, poke around, and if I want to remember it take a picture. These people were PUSHING and shoving each other to get to the front, they snap a picture, and they're gone. The interest was not even in the Mona Lisa for it's artistic significance, but rather it's popularity. Maybe that's why she is laughing? Laughing directly at Ping Pong and his 3G capabilities.

Really, the cultural observation was way more meaningful than the painting. So, thanks, Ping Pong, for ruining that part of my day. I did not take a picture of her, just FYI.

I was tired of the Louvre, it is OVERWHELMING. So I decided I might like the Rodin Museum more, he is one of my favorite sculpters. So I went on out to where the bus was supposed to pick me up...too bad that there was a HOARD of people literally lining the streets by then because the Tour de France was in Paris today. So I cut my losses and headed back to the metro, maybe I could hop on it at Notre Dame? Off I went, only to discover that Notre Dame was even MORE packed with Tour fans than was the Louvre. After trying desperately to cross the street with not luck, I gave up.

When you can't beat 'em. Right?

So, I settled in on one of the street blockades next to a nice elderly couple and waited. and waited. and waited. and waited. About an hour and a half of standing and waiting in the hot sun and woosh! They were gone. NOT worth it.

After eating the world's worst crepe, I finally hopped on my bus. It took a weird route because of the STUPID Tour and I didn't make to either the army or rodin museums before they closed. If the Tour de France was COOL, I wouldn't be as irritated. But seriously, I saw it go by. It was 50 dudes riding bikes. Big. freaking. Whoop.

The best decision I made all day was getting some Amaretto gelato before heading home. delish!

Midnight in Paris.

2011-07-23T16:29:00.002-07:00

I am MASSIVELY behind on my travel blogging.

So: to recap.

Yesterday I went to Versaille with Ryan and Lyndsay. It went something like this, "Wow. This is a big room. Look at all the gold." Repeat X347.

We had YUMMY crepes afterward. I thought I'd be sick of crepes by now. But you know what? I'm not. Crepes and salmon. Never get tired of them. However, salmon crepe? Not that good. The twain shall never meet my lips simultaneously again.

Today I had rehearsals and masterclass with Matthew Odell. He's a good pianist and had lots to say, as it went an hour longer than it should have. :)

After MC we stopped at a place by the metro for a panini and fries. Big shocker. I AM getting sick of paninis. Back to the Colegio: get ready for Mozart. Today was the first day I actually legit did my hair...My blow dryer REALLY doesn't like my converter, so I've been to scared to use it for fear of blowing my converter and being stuck with NO electricity the whole time.

Ariel, Rachel, and I set off for the Madeliene Cathedral a little late...as it took Ariel a while to get her ticket printed. Oh well though, cause we seriously walked right on to both trains and never had to wait at all. So we speed walked all the way there from the metro, got in, and waited...and waited...and waited.

The Requiem is long enough...and now we have to listen to two "Ave Marias" and "Ave Verum Corpus" by a sharp soprano before you even bring the chorus out? PA-lease.

I have beef with this concert. I find this the perfect opportunity to bash it.

First off, this concert had a lot to live up to. I have never heard the Requiem live. It is, in my opinion, one of the greatest works written. It did not live up to my expectations.

1.) Balance. The balance was ALL wrong. It seriously sounded like there were like....2 violins playing, and like 3 tympani sets. Couldn't hear any cello or viola. Heard a little bass. Somehow, which I still haven't figured out, the brass, which is minimal in this piece anyway, got behind the rest of the orchestra and the chorus.

2.) Tempo. Homeboy RUINED Lacrymosa. SLAUGHTERED the tempo. Thanks, idiot, for ruining one of the best movements ever written.

3.) Conductor: Seriously, dude? You are conducting the Mozart Requiem. Not Mahler 3. Take a chill pill. He looked crazy because he was WAY over conducting. He had cues that were so over the top they were comical. Bro, take a conducting lesson.

Through all of this though, the Requiem is still a beautiful piece of music, and the performance at least yielded one intelligent thought:

Mozart didn't get to finish his Requiem. Someone else wrote a few of the remaining movements after the Lacrymosa, as he died before he could complete it. I can immediately tell when we have hit the sections that Mozart didn't compose. What makes his music so much more "ahhh" than the other? It has a quality that perhaps can't be expressed. I'm glad it cannot because if it could be summed up I'd be out of a job and we'd have nothing to talk about at school. It's amazing. The composition shone for what it was even through this less-than-stellar performance.

After the Requiem Ariel, Rachel, and I met up with some more of our EAMA buds and hit the streets. After all of us were through concert bashing we decided there was only one logical solution to our disappointment: ice cream.

We sat at this really cute little bar and each split a banana split. There was a guy KILLING it on harmonica. Good friends. AMAZING ice cream. Good times.

Tomorrow is museum day.

I leave with you a clip of the concert from tonight:

I'm sure I'll pay for this later

2011-07-20T08:46:00.002-07:00

Today I only had two music coachings. They went okay. They were with Mr. Bonet. His english is about as good as my french...So it was a darn confusing couple of hours. He's really got some good stuff to say though. I got back from school at about noon. I've been wanting to check out the classical music scene here, so I looked up a sheet music store online and took off.

I seriously think I can do anything now. Legit.

I went all by myself on the metro- had to transfer- and then find this darn store all by myself. AND I did. I rock.

Anyway, this stupid store was about a million miles from where I was. I probably walked an hour there and an hour back. It was totally worth it though. I got a concerto that is basically impossible to find anywhere, and a WHOLE bunch of old editions of sheet music for 9 euros. I bought these so that my sister and I can make adorable christmas tree ornament take aways for my recital this december. They are going to be so stinking cute.

I ran into one of the teachers in my program up there. :) I went into a couple stores, but didn't find anything I loved.

Now I am just resting my poor dogs, they are barking.

Then, you guessed it. Off to practice.

macabre

2011-07-17T13:27:00.006-07:00

Today has been pretty darn kick back.

Firstly, and most importantly: I did laundry. Exciting, eh?

Travis woke me up at about 12:00 today and we went out for lunch and to try the catacombs one more time. We went to this great place in the Denfert Rocheaut area and had lunch, then tried to get in line for the catacombs. This didn't really work. BOTH days, they have told us we got there too late. Geez. We have GOT to make this happen!

So, we improvised and rode the M6 up to a cool looking cemetery we saw on the map. It is called Cemetery Montparnasse. This is a really cool cemetery. Tons of neato statues. Did you know this is where Camille Saint Saens is buried??? It is.

After wandering through the cemetery, we ended up at a cafe called Cafe Rendez-Vous. I had a 7.50 drink with banana, mango, and lemonade.

Then it was back to the Cite. Laundry. Playing violin.

Dinner at St. Michel stop. Had some interesting salmon lasange and chocolate cake.

Only one full more weekend left. I still have to go to Versaille and the Louvre!

The End

2011-07-14T13:06:00.002-07:00

Holy cow.

Today has been pretty epic. So I got to sleep in, then I met up with Travis and Timmy and we went to Chatelet les Halles to see Harry Potter. At first, the entrance was closed, and we thought we wouldn't be able to go. We were so depressed we just ended up wandering the empty mall---where we happened upon the suspiciously OPEN movie theater. YAY. I had a grilled cheese panini and a walnut chocolate chip cookie for lunch. The movie theater we went to was sort of a dive, but oh well. I would have been perfectly happy if the stinky STINKY dude hadn't sat right next to me. Dude. Use some friggin pit stick. So, I ended up in Travis' personal space for most of the movie.

The movie was SO great. Very well done. I'll probably go see it again back home.

I cried like 3 seperate times.

I loved it, what else can I say?

Then I walked over to the Seine with the boys and we met up with some friends for a picnic. I stayed about half hour, then came back here for Mendelssohn rehearsal.

I have a LONG day tomorrow.

2 Weeks

2011-07-13T14:56:00.002-07:00

Well, we have officially reached the half way mark of my trip. (Well, tomorrow is).

So far I have: ridden the RER, ordered food in french, eaten 5 dozen crepes, gallons of nutella, seen Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Seine River, Champs Elysee, Arc du Triumphe, Luxembourg Gardens.

I've walked about 2 hours total each day in transit to and from places.

Made new friends.

Played tons of cool music.

It's been a good two weeks.

Still to do: Versaille. Louvre. Requiem at Madeline.

So what's been goin' on this week? Well, I'm almost over this crappy cold/infection thing I have going on. That's a plus.

Monday evening I went out to dinner again with a few friends. I had salmon. I couldn't help it. I've been trying new foods, but I just had to. It was DELISH too. After dinner, Travis, Timmy, and I went to a Gregorian Chant concert in Notre Dame. While we were waiting in line to get out tickets, there was a crippled up beggar woman standing outside of Notre Dame. This didn't really surprise me, as it is an extremely common occurance on temple square. This lady was so old, had a cane, and had nearly fallen over trying to pick up some change off the sidewalk. I felt horrible, so I went over and put 2 euros in her cup. We got inside and got our tickets and got a seat on the front row. Enjoy:

I had this insane moment of...clarity? or something. Perspective? I don't know what to call it. But, as you can see, the man singing has an AMAZING voice. He did on song with just the harp. It was beautiful. If you focused hard enough, you could hear the sound as it bounced off the back of the cathedral, instead of hearing if directly from him. Focusing this way, it was like the stone, or the church, was literally singing back to you. It was a neato frito experience. If those walls could talk! Followed of course by a delicious banana nutella crepe.

Tuesday was a FULL day of school, practicing, and rehearsals. We had a chamber music coaching with a visiting pianist from the Royal Academy of Music in the morning. This was a cool experience just because we got to play in a beautiful room at the very top of the building. We opened up all the windows and listened to the rain fall on all the trees around us as we played. It was pretty. I had a lemon macaron on Tuesday. There's a bakery right by my subway stop that I really like going to. The ladies are super nice, they have great food, it's moderately priced, and they put up with my broken french. I've been stopping there every day for about a week.

I'm a regular.

Today was another full day of school and rehearsals. That's why I am here, eh? (Getting ready for Canada!)

Tomorrow is Bastille Day, so there is no school. Travis, Timmy and I are going to go to see Harry Potter at Les Halles. Be jealous. It's already been out for 2 days over here, and I'm STILL going to see it before all you suckas!

tourisme jour

2011-07-09T11:51:00.005-07:00

So I'm still sick.

But I had a bus pass for this weekend, and I had to use it, so I went out and roughed it anyway. I took the RER to Notre Dame and rode the bus to the Eiffel Tower. These was quite the ride. For anyone who has ever laughed at people on the big tourism buses, shut yo mouth! Yes, it's touristy, but guess what? It is also darn efficient. I got to see tons of stuff and it was a way to orient myself to the lay of the land. Some of my favorite pictures from the ride to the Eiffel Tower:

Up the Champs-Elysee

Arc du Triumphe

Such a nice ride.

Anyway...then we get to the fun part of the day, which, by the record, I totally blame Rick Steves' for: the Eiffel Tower.

First impression: It literally looks like it's made out of Hershey's chocolate.

So, honestly, the Eiffel Tower is cool and all, but if I ever came back to Paris I wouldn't even waste my time going. First off, my book by Rick Steves' says that you can buy advanced tickets online and skip the line at the tower if you want, so, like a responsible tourist, I got online this morning to reserve my ticket. Guess what? Those things are booked out for WEEKS and WEEKS. The way he says it in the book leads one to think that you can just buy online and pick it up that day, sort of like a movie ticket....NOT right.

So...I stood in this freakishly long line to get on the elevator, and even then I only rode to the second landing, not the tip top. There was a whole other 45 min long line on the 2nd teir just to get to the top...and honestly, wasn't THAT impressed by the 2nd level to wait in line another 45 minutes. I also ate another quiche Lorainne and a waffle with Nutella with a huge diet coke and looked at the view. Not too shabby.

Anyway. It's touristy. It's a cool view, but I don't know if it was necessarily worth the hastle. I'd skip it next time. The eiffel tower is best enjoyed from the ground, which by the way, is what it was for. It marked the entrance to the World Fair. Here's some favorites:

Then I rode the bus back to Notre Dame. I did the obligatory "purchase souveniers" on this street, had tons of stuff. Yay. Then I walked over to Notre Dame and walked on in...it felt a bit weird because they were doing Saturday night mass, but they let us walk around in the wings a bit. Now THIS place, I could go to every day and not get sick of. Did you know they started building that thing in the 1100's??? Blows. My. Mind.

Each little wing was dedicated to a saint, or at least that's what I gathered. The first one is a big crusifix with tons of candles... so I dropped 2 euros in and lit a candle for Jesus...

Am I Catholic now?

It just seemed like a reverent thing to do. Regardless of what religion you are, that place is special.

They wouldn't let us use a flash and it was kinda dark, but, eh. Going back to hear a Gregorian Chant concert here.

Malade

2011-07-08T07:28:00.004-07:00

I can't believe I am sick on vacation.

Started yesterday afternoonish-just a slight tickle in the throat.

Woke up a LOT thinking that my throat was on fire.

And today I've got a sore throat- clogged ears, runny nose, and a headache.

And I don't know how to find medicine in this stinkin' country.

Luckily, my friend who is from Ireland speaks french, so he went with my to the pharmacie. I basically got cough drops. Not the yummy, halls ones we are accustomed to in the great ole US of A, but like...these blue gross ones that tastes like someone dipped shaving cream in mouthwash. YUK.

So..my life isn't very exciting due to my current illness. Today I just went to school and came home. Trying to save myself for this weekend, as I have big plans of the touristy nature.

Also, they have NO clue what tylenol or advil is over here. Weird.

So. Here are the pictures that I will leave you with for today. First, is a picture of the French Army Museum, which happens to be right next to the school I'm studying at, so I get to walk by it a few times a day. It's rather beautiful. The second, is what the french like to call cough drops (they aren't).

Paris Day Trois & Quatre

2011-07-05T11:56:00.004-07:00

Well I'm pooped.

Yesterday was a doozie. I went to school and had my first musicianship class. In Europe, apparently they use fixed "do". In the states we use movable, but it hasn't been that hard of an adjustment. Then I went to a counterpoint lecture and had lunch at a really cute cafe on the Rue Saint Jauque with Travis. My lunch was delish. It was a piece of french bread with ham and melty cheese with apple slices and cheese crumbles on top of that. Served on top of a delish salad. These people know how to eat.

Yesterday was a day of eating, really. After choral, (which was super fun, it's cool when you can just sight sing stuff and have it sound good) me, Ariel, Travis, and Timmy decided to take off and have a relaxing evening. We took the train to St. Michel and I nearly died when I rounded the corner and saw this for the first time:

This cathedral has been on my bucket list since I took music history at snow college. For all of you guys who AREN'T music history buffs, a LOT of stuff went down in this cathedral. While Paris was the "broadway" of classical music, all music was basically written for the purpose of being performed here, or for composers employed at this cathedral. It's the SOURCE.

The outside is amazing. The back is stunning:

Best thing ever. Anyway, then right when we walked out of the gate there was a little street band. They were playing and singing "Cheek to Cheek" from Top Hat. Could life get better? I submit that it cannot.

Back in the states my friends and I have what we like to call a "fat kid pub crawl". This is when you drive through numerous places in one night getting one item at each place to satisfy your (pms) cravings. Well, last night, we did a pub crawl in Paris, which we all know is the best place to do it. From Notre Dame we crossed the Seine and sat at a Brasserie and had pre-dinner drinks. This was the place that I was introduced to Orangino. It's amazing. It's like fancy fanta. It is natural with pulp orange juice that is bubbly. Delish. Then we literally got up from our table, walked across the cobblestone street, and sat at the restaraunt across the way. It was epic. There I had the best Quiche Lorainne of all time. Also served with salad. Delish. Then we walked along the backside of the Siene and stopped off at a Creperie for dessert. Crepe+Nutella. Perfect combo. Then we crawled our lazy butts back across the Seine and right past Notre Dame and back home. We were delerious by this point. Timmy wasn't making any sense at all, and we were all laughing at such rediculousness as "When you feed an Elyse a peanut, she's going to want an Orangino."

Bedtime quickly followed, after a small amount of counterpoint homework.

Today I woke up exhausted.

I skipped breakfast, cause I bought some special K granola bars at the store and I wanted to sleep in. I got ready and trekked to school by my lonesome. I went to a counterpoint workshop and then practiced for a few hours. Let me tell you, I have never missed America so much in my life. Those who know me well know that I sort of have a problem when it comes to practicing and my amount of comfort. I can't practice unless things are "just so". I keep a fan in my locker at school...

Anyway, my practice room today had a locked wardrobe, a desk, and three chairs in it. So I opened the window and did what I could. I have never missed air conditioning so much. I felt like I was being punked.

Then I went to a 2 hour lecture by Dr. Lasser on Analysis. This was interesting for about an hour, then I got tired. We talked about hanging pitches, and the reason why they exist. The circular, rather spiral, nature of music. It was good stuff.

Then I made the PAINFUL trip back to the Cite.

My hips don't like me...They especially don't like me if I'm carrying a backpack, a violin, and a purse.

I took a nap and rehearsed with my Brahms Quartet. In a few minutes I'm gonna go grab dinner across the street with a friend.

Tomorrow the real fun starts, I have a coaching with my Brahms Quartet and I am rehearsing the Mendelssohn in the AM. And that's IT. I honestly think I will stay at the Cite all day long tomorrow, practice, maybe do some laundry. I'm going to the Eiffel Tower on Saturday and Notre Dame on Sunday, so I need to kick back for the sake of my legs.

Paris Day Deux

2011-07-03T13:00:00.004-07:00

Today was pretty darn ideal.

I woke up at around 7:30 and watched a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother, then I started to get sleepy so you know what? I figured, what the hell, and I went back to sleep until about noon. I needed to catch up.

Then I got up and got ready, got the key to the salle de piano and practiced for a few hours. At 4 I met up with my Brahms Quartet. They rock. The end on that.

After rehearsal, at about 6, I decided I would go back to Luxembourg Gardens and check it out a little more. So, I took off by myself. Er....I mean "with a companion". :)

Anyway, I took the RER B to Luxembourg and headed up the road to the Pantheon. I had plans to eat dinner at Cafe Soufflot. I was FREAKED out about this. Last night I ate out, but Duncan was with me so he pretty much handled everything. Tonight, I flew solo. I contemplated not eating...honestly. But I was starving and what the hell, when in Rome, right? So I marched in and asked for a table. I did however point to the menu item I wanted. :) The waiter was pretty nice. I had a HUGE diet coke and a club sandwich. From what I've seen so far, the French love their flippin' eggs. Tons of stuff comes with an egg on it, including my sandwich tonight. I'm not gonna complain though, it was tasty.

Here is where I ate and the view from my table.

I then went and strode about Luxembourg Gardens at a leisurely pace. That is one big park. Beautiful, don't get me wrong. Can I also just tell you how flippin' CLEAN France is? No wonder they think we are pigs. Then I took the RER B back to cite, and here I am. I walked a lot and my feet are sore, but it was a good day. Got to practice and explore. Tomorrow real school starts, at which point my exploration will be put on hold until next weekend. :)

Here are a few of my favorites from my Luxembourg trip 2:

The Journey and Day 1

2011-07-02T06:05:00.006-07:00

I left Portland at 1:25 pm on Wednesday afternoon and got on a flight for Amsterdam. This was a LONG flight. I watched so many movies it's not even funny. Let's see if I can remember any of them: Cedar Rapids, Hall Pass, episodes of Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Harry Potter, SVU, and I feel like one more I'm forgetting.

I slept for about 2 hours towards the end of the flight. Airplanes seriously suck. I'm all for the convenience of flying, but the space? Like, seriously. Lucky for me the space next to me didn't have a seat so that was kind of nice, but the arm rest on the aisle side didn't go up, and that was a pain. Me and the girl next to me were pretty "close" by the end of the trip. Didn't see much while we were flying...We flew over the North Sea. Guess what?! It's blue.

The Amsterdam airport is shockingly nice. I really like it.

Transfer to a flight to Paris. The flight was literally only like...45 minutes. By the time I finally GOT to Paris I was exhausted. I knew I needed to get on the RER B, so I stopped by the tourisme office and asked them where the train was, it was pretty easy to find, just a long ass distance away from where I was. Did I mention I had a purse, a 62 pound suitcase, a violin, and a backpack? Got on the train pretty hassle free-rode for about 20 minutes or so. The northern part of paris is GHETTO. And other than old historic buildings, which there are a lot of fyi, the rest pretty much looks like what you would think that it would look like, only like...in 1970.

I got to the cite universite alright, the station is right across the street, but the jog down to the Colegio de Espangne was a bit of a jog for all of the luggage I had.

Got my own private room and bathroom on the 5th floor of the building. It's pretty 80's tastic:

VIEW FROM MY PALACE:

I like being up so high. That way I can open my window and let the sun and the breeze in. It gets really friggin hot here. AND I don't have to worry about anyone getting in here. It's a room. And it works. Although the bed is dreadfully uncomfortable and I have GOT to find another pillow. Also have lots of hot water.

DAY 1:

Today we had placement tests for counterpoint and musicianship. Both of which I did horribly on. By "horribly" I mean that there were about 6 of us that just left the counterpoint one blank. Why? I should be able to do SOMETHING? Well, each question asked you to write a "first species" or "second species" or whatever. Sorry, but I took 3 years of theory and analysis. Never heard of "species" in relation to music...

Musicianship I had to sight sing a few lines of stuff. I sucked at that. I did okay on the intervals...for not being in it for 3 years.

Betwixt the counterpoint and musicianship examinations me and some friends took a walk. We ended up at Luxembourg Gardens. GORGEOUS. I'm going back! We just walked through a small section of it...didn't get to go in the palace or anything today. Look at the couple of pics I took:

Rachel (flute), Travis (conductor/oboe), Lyndsay (flute), me, Tiffany (conductor).

We stopped on the way back from Luxembourg and got Crepes on the sidewalk. Delish. I got a nutella and banana crepe. Basically, the french can roll their crepes like the mexicans roll burritos. So amazing.

Oh, and you can also buy schoolboys in the vending machine.

Goal for tonight is to practice a bit, find some snacks/grocery store, and get another pillow. The one I have here is NOT going to cut it for a month.

Au revoir.

14 more el bees to go.

2011-03-26T00:06:00.004-07:00

So at the beginning of the semester I decided I wanted to lose 40 big ones by the end of the term. I mentioned in my new years post that I was at my all-time fat. Well, no more! Motivations for doing this include but are not limited to the fact that my fat jeans no longer fit and all i wear are yoga pants. I sort of love clothes, and damn it! I want a pair of designer jeans! I love clothes too much and am too spoiled to not have them. I don't want to be limited to what fits my fat butt at the time, but just whatever I feel like wearing.

Well guess what? I've legit stuck with something and I've lost 26 so far. No one has noticed. 26 pounds when you are realllllllly fat is like 5 when you are skinny. So whatever. When I get done to 40 or 50 I bet you'll be able to tell. It's been a tough road. But I've finally figured it out I think. I have pretty much changed my diet to eating to about 80% all raw fruits and veggies. And I've been excercising my fat butt off. Literally.

Here's what I've been doing:

1.) Working out doing weights 3X a week with Do Performance at the Academy. Shout out to Mom and Dad for paying for this one, as it is spendy. But worth it.

2.) 3x a week at Sweaty Chix Fitness. Zumba is basically the most fun I've had in a LONG time. It's great to just have fun and then realize all of a sudden "man, I am sweating a LOT" without really even noticing it. It's fun to work out with Brittany, Alyse, and Allyson too. Brittany should get mad swag from Sweaty Chix as she has fully converted 3 people. Just sayin'.

The downside is that I am having a hard time figuring out how to work out every day and still actually practice my violin-which hasn't really been happening all that often the past few weeks. How has it already been a month since my recital? Nuts. Oh well. I'm set up to gig on April 8th, thought that would put my moderately-shrinking butt into gear.

I have been getting really dizzy lately though. Usually pretty close to right after I eat. What is that about? Anybody have any clue?

I'm moving in 3 weeks! That is exciting! Time to start packing and getting ready! I wanna go home so bad: which luckily I get to do as soon as I'm all packed up. How is the semester pretty much over already? Seriously. Not that I'm sad or anything. :) bring on the summer.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.

2011-01-30T00:09:00.003-07:00

Holy Lord, I just cleaned out my comments section. Seems as though I fit the target demo for people who would like to play online poker in Russian or hire an escort in Jersey. WTF?

Today's topic of annoyance::: Genuine people

We all know that one person. You know, the one who always says "(insert name), I LOVE YOU! We need to do something soon. You look beautiful by the way!"

Then you smile, agree, walk around the corner, and throw up in the nearest waste recepticle.

We even have a term to describe people like this in the LDS faith: mousey.

Is there no one genuine out there? Someone who genuinely wants to know how your day is? Seriously. We pass people every single day in the hall at work/school and say the obligatory "how you doing?"..."good"...

What if that person wasn't really "good"? Do you really care?

Here's where I'm going with this: I will be the first person to admit that my name might as well me Elyse 'Pessimest" Hudson. But I don't want to have to ask someone to care about me. Because honestly, if I have to tell you that I need you to care, I know you are only doing it becasue I said something. You only inquire after me the next day because I told you I needed you the day before. Perhaps (actually, yes) I am lacking a shred of humility. But it just shouldn't be that way.

On the flip side, if you do come up and ask me how I'm doing: I can see through your bullshit. I've been mormon my whole life too. I've been present in those meetings where we are instructed to "reach out to those not doing so well." You are doing it because you are trying to make a service project out of me. Not because you really care. I can tell. I'm not stupid.

I get it.

Don't bother commenting on this post saying that you are one of those people that "genuinely cares." By doing so you are proving my very point.

3 cheers for a new year. Another chance for me to get it right.

2010-12-31T16:54:00.002-07:00

Yep. That time has arrived once again. A time to think back on the stupid things that you did this year. Here's my top 3 "2010 oops":

1.) I'm first brought to the romantic oops's. One was a friggin' lying hang-gliding N.I.G.H.T.M.A.R.E. The other an auto dude who I kissed way to soon and promptly broke up with once the skeletons came out of his closet.

Good year for me in love. NOT.

2.) I spent too much money. I fear this will be on my list quite often at the end of the year. I always spend too much money. The best example of my frivolity was a set of $800 hair extensions that I wore for a few weeks, drove me nuts, made me look like a cheap playboy bunny, and I ended up cutting out myself.

3.) I got EVEN fatter. Yep, I'm tippin' the scales at my all-time fat. Go me.

Let's round this off with 3 GREAT decisions made in 2010.

1.) I got good grades this semester. Best I've gotten at BYU. School is finally going well. All thanks to the BEST decision I've made this year: changing my major.

2.) Couch time. Getting a little more couch time has allowed me to realize that in some things I really am still clueless, but I do have the ability and right to make my own decisions.

3.) Spent more time practicing. I practiced a lot this year.

Here we go, 2011. Saddle up. It's likely to be a bit of a bumpy ride. But hey, should be fun.

Please! This is Marc Jacob's new collection!!!

2010-12-13T19:33:00.007-07:00

This is most likely going to be a large post.

First, a personal update: I'm almost done with my semester-just two more finals. Think I'll take one in the morning, and then the last whenever I'm ready for it. I like that strategy. :) I'm expecting good grades this semester-it's seems as though I am finally in a good place academically. I L.O.V.E. my major AN

D I've finally gotten the hang of BYU (I think). My recital is scheduled for Feb 19th, feel like I'm right on schedule for that. Be expecting invites in mid-late January.

Okay, on to what this post is really about...

My current beauty obsession is Judy Garland. Her eyebrows are stunning, and I love the way that she lines her waterline with white to make her eyes really pop. I started copying that after I saw Easter Parade, a movie that literally changed my life. Here are a few pics I love of her:

I just love her strong brows! Such a great shape!

"Stuff" I am sweatin' right now:

I love the trend of asymmetrical earrings. First got the idea from the one and only Kandee Johnson. She has a great blog-if you love or even remotely like makeup and you DON'T read her blog, go kill yourself. :) Anyway, here she is rocking it:

A little long for me, but it's kinda cool cause it's like a necklace and an earring all in one! I am seriously loving the idea of earrings that match but that aren't identical.

Here is an example by Betsy Johnson:

And these! I LOVE these.

If you're up to your ears in blood, sweat, and wasted years.

2010-09-02T00:34:00.003-07:00

It's only been what? Four months?

Pssh.

Well. Today I have two thoughts on my mind. If they are on my mind, they might as well be on yours too, right?

Perceptions.

Permanence.

The former:

It is extremely hard to change others perceptions of you. Recently, at my request and also at random, some have described me as "mysterious", "closed off", "too serious about life". My initial reaction is "WELL, MAYBE YOU IDIOTS DON'T TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY ENOUGH?" This is LIFE. If you don't take this seriously, what will you take seriously?

I digress.

Once someone has developed a perception of you, it is often hard to break out of the mold of that perception. It would be easier if everyone was just mushy and pliable. Who do I feel like being today. That is how people see me. Not today + all my yesterdays. Before you throw the Book of Mormon at me; I get it. Therein lies accountablilty. Therein lies the whole point. Who cares about today if yesterday didn't count, or for that matter, today won't count tomorrow. It's just a mess.

Sometimes I wish that I could erase people from my memory. Erase experiences. Mostly dumb ones. In that respect, it's hard to even escape from my own perception of myself. But who is to say whose perception is right? And how in the world do you tell? My life would be so much better if I could just erase some people straight off my hard drive.

Click-drag-delete.

If only it were that simple.

I just wanna look into your eyes and catch my breath

2010-04-10T00:38:00.003-07:00

So. I'm WIDE awake at 1:38 AM....so what the heck? I'll catch up on some much needed blogging.

So firstly, tomorrow the Philharmonic at BYU is performing Beethoven's Triple Concerto and Beethoven's 5th. It's going to be an amazzzing night. The question is: Do I own a headband deserving of such an evening?

Tomorrow is going to be so exciting!

Anyway....what have I been up to? Well, most recently, MY mom came out for a short visit. We went and saw Michael Buble! HOLY KILL ME! I was like a tween at a flippin Jonas Brothers concert. No lie, I shed many a glistening tear when he first came out. It was ridiculous. :) The man is amazing. Voice like none other. I basically did 5 cartwheels when I saw him making his way off the stage and up the isle we were sitting on. I managed to snag this picture:

Then I lovingly caressed his body as he passed by.

Holy dream come true!

There's another bucket list concert I can cross off my list...now if only Journey would get back together or Shlomo would friggin come to America.... (from my mouth to God's ears.)

We also decorated my living room.....It was pretty...."sparse" to say the least. I basically love it. It's a great place now, not near as dark and depressing. Everyone that has been over has loved it too...should have taken some pictures of it. Maybe I will soon.

General Conference weekend was pretty darn fun. Had a brunch at my house for morning sesh. I made fruit kabobs and we had muffins and yummy breakfast caserole. Delish! Spent Sunday at Sharlee's house in Pleasant Grove. Love the Olson's! I would love to take Sharlee's place while she's gone on her mission. PLEASE?

Now I'm just looking onward to finals week...not too many actual finals to stress about. However, a few projects I've put off for the last mintue as well as a jury. Not too bugged about juries, pretty excited actually.

SO excited to officially be a performance major.

Tomorrow= dress rehearsal, relaxation, beautification, date, concert.

It's good to be me.

shlomo catharsis

2010-03-22T01:15:00.003-07:00

I'm somewhat of an amateur photographer.

I love this school. Shocker? no.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I want to do about spring/summer.....my gut tells me to just get a job and practice my booty off. That's sounding pretty good. Someone find me a flippin job? I've been looking and looking...

I've been feeling icky. Bad acid reflux. ew.

I'm also recently become re-addicted to HGTV. I LOVE watching shows about people house shopping. I literally cannot WAIT to find have a house of my own. Oh boy. Really want one.

This blog was totally pointless.

Proof I'm a dork.

2010-03-12T00:07:00.002-07:00

So, this morning I was channel surfing. Hoping that a re-run of Ghost Hunters, or if I was lucky, Say Yes To the Dress was on while I enjoyed my left over dinner. I can hardly believe my eyes when I happen upon "Beethoven's 3rd". Yay! Eroica! I love that symphony! It is one of my favorites! Thoughts of Napoleon, Beethoven, and all sorts of themes starting running through my head. Holy crap, am I lucky to catch this on the tube!

How disappointed was I to figure out that it wasn't Beethoven's 3rd.

Well...

it was.

But had nothing to do with Napoleon

or classical music.

But everything to do with a hairy, slobbery St. Bernard dog.

it's a cold, cruel world

2010-03-05T19:29:00.002-07:00

It's days like today, when I'm home ALL alone

that I realize something.

I'm out of toilet paper.

And no one is here to oblidge my desperate plea...

for more "T.PPPPPPPPPP!"

I miss my mama. :)

I've got nowhere to run, no place left to hide

2010-02-27T03:04:00.002-07:00

So, I love me some Alkaline Trio. The sickness started right after I graduated from high school. My brother introduced me to them. Their song writing is just so amazing. I realize as I type it how stupid that that sounds, but I honestly can't explain how outstanding this group is. They just do something to me everytime I listen to them. Let's be honest here people, I come fully equipped with my fair share of baggage. Sometimes you just need to go "let it all out" in a healthy way. That is what these concerts are for me. They are a way for me to just get all of that crap swimming around in my head some flight. It just feels so good. I love playing my violin and I LOVE classical music, but I ALSO love being able to go to a really awesome rock concert and just scream/dance it out. Music effects me on many different levels. Anyway, I am a loyal Alk3 fan. Always will be. I have seen them four times in concert now.

One of my favorite parts of going to their concerts is my ability to give voice to certain parts of my personality. While I in no way feel that I am not true to myself on a day to day basis in the way I present myself, there also is a very minute part of me that loves to rat my hair, pile on the eye liner, and dance like no one is watching. On these nights, that girl gets to come out and express herself in a healthy way for a while. And BOY, it feels great.

2010 ASTA National Conference

2010-02-27T02:39:00.004-07:00

So last week I made the LONG journey to Santa Clara, CA with 7 fellow BYU peers. We went to the American String Teacher's Association National Conference. We got to go to tons of neat lectures. I spent most of my time going to studio teaching lectures. my favorite lecture was given by the conductor of iPalpiti. He discussed the different bow holds (Russian, German, Franco-Prussian, etc) and why he believed that they evolved. He also discussed the differences in them, as well as the difference between St. Petersberg and the rest of Russia. I thought it was just the most interesting thing ever. I could have listened to him talk all day long. The drive was really long both ways, but I think that we did a pretty good job of keeping ourselves entertained. I learned a lot about the friends I went with, including the fact that Chip is a pathological lyric mis-interpreter....such as myself. We had a good time laughing at "our own words" to various pop songs on the radio. We watched lots of movies in the car too, as well as napped. On the way back MJ and I gave everyone in the car an alternate lifestyle, figuring out where they would live, what decade they should live in, an alternate career, what type of car they would drive, etc. That kept us busy for quite a while.

I also got to see Faina while I was there. Siskiyou Violins were there performing. It was really neat to get to hear them perform, I've always been performing with them! They really are good, and Faina is such an inspiration to me.

Here are some pictures from the trip:::

For about the past year I have really been contemplating whether or not education was the right route for me to go. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy teaching, and I plan on being a teacher, but over the past 3 years I have literally just fallen in love with studio teaching. I want to be a studio teacher. I have also re-fallen in love with playing the violin. Through the help of some truly amazing teachers and friends, I have come to really understand that I CAN do anything that I want with the violin. Now, I look forward to the day when I can perform. I have basically flipped a 180 from when I started college. I don't want to be the person that looks back at their life and wonders what life would have been like had they actually taken the risk and followed their dreams. My dream: at least a masters degree in performance. Have my own studio and basically be a combination of Faina and Monte. This is what I want out of my life. I have completely fallen in love with the idea of studio teaching. I know I can do it. So I have taken the leap. I am OFFICIALLY announcing my change from music education to violin performance.

It's going to be hard. I know it will be. The reward is worth it to me though. I'm going to try to not let me head get wrapped around all of the "what-if" variables of life. Kory said last semester that he thought that the biggest problem that we students have is that we try to over plan our lives. Life is a zig-zag, not a straight line. My life has zigged and zagged all over the place thus far, and it just continues to. All I can do is do is try as hard as I can to be obedient and to work as hard as I possibly can at pursuing my dreams. Opportunity will show up.

"I'm closing my eyes, I'm feeling my way.

Trusting the whisperings of my faith.

I'm cleaving to you, Father.

With every step until this life is through, help me hold on to you."

It hurts to move on from the place that I'm in...

2010-01-31T21:49:00.002-07:00

But you reassure me, it's time to start over again.

The

path

back

Without sending too much of my personal life out there into cyberspace, this is my attempt to chronicle my no- doubt- epic journey to spiritual enlightenment. I hate keeping journals. For no other superficial reason than i hate my handwriting. This is my journal.

Often we tend to see life as being "glass half empty or half full."

Heavenly Father doesn't see us that way.

He's just happy to have the glass.

A dear friend shared that with me about 4 years ago. It has never left my mind, today being no exception. I really believe that too. He doesn't care what shape we are in, he's just glad to have us. I think in all of our lives we go through times when all we can do is just be there. At that particular time, it's enough to just show up. And He's happy to have the glass, even if it is bone dry.

I'm currently reading this book:

2 Nephi 23: 25

"...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do."

This book brings up many interesting points on the topic. Points that I would like to remember. Bro. Wilcox explains that many readers interpret "after" as like on a time table. He suggests that is not the case. He goes on to explain that we could easily replace the word "after" with "apart."

The more profound part is the use of the word "we." I always thought that "we" was in reference to the combination of writer (in this case Nephi) and reader (myself). However, it could very well also be interpreted as "we" meaning the reader (myself) and Christ. I just love that. It is so profound. Christ is, however, our advocate with the Father.

These are just a few of my sabbath day thoughts.

A fun comparison.

2010-01-26T10:12:00.003-07:00

From this:

To this:

This is the first picture I've taken that I feel like I look like an adult in.

Wow-za.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep.

2010-01-25T03:45:00.006-07:00

Okay, so it's not 4:03, it's 3:45...but hey, close enough.

So tonight, after I dropped of Alyse, I decided to go for a little drive. I often take these late at night and I can't sleep. Usually I head in the general direction of Springville... but for whatever reason, tonight I turned left instead of right. I put my iPod on random shuffle, and soon I was listening to this song:

I was driving through Provo Canyon, looking up at the snow capped mountains, and it hit me.

Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.

It goes a little further than that though.

I just sort of had a weird confirmation that the desires I have are not only genuine, but righteous.

The "big two" being a husband and some precious little people.

These are good things. Things that I want.

Things that will make me happy.

Things that I deserve to have.

what do you say to taking chances?

2010-01-14T17:51:00.002-07:00

Tap dancing is starting to kick my butt, and breaking in new tap shoes is NOT a good time. But it is SO much fun. We are learning a dance to "Wink and a Smile" right now. It is super fun, but I definitely have to practice the steps. You miss one, you miss all the ones after it. I'm not good enough to just jump back in. The more I learn about tapping, the more I have respect for anyone who is really good at it. I think it's like that with any new hobby that you pick up,

Something that I've been thinking about lately:

Life changes SO fast.

Literally, your whole entire life can change in just one day. It sort of makes me appreciate those days that just seem "normal" and boring. They weren't! They could have been SO much worse, and it makes me grateful for those average days...that's sort of weird to think about. It's sort of like not knowing which of your prayers were answered...I mean, come on. How many times has someone prayed for everyone to get home safely and everyone actually did? I mean..who knows if something WOULD have happened. It's the same thing with situations and people that come into our lives. You are never really sure. That's part of faith I guess.

thoughts before i hit the sack

2010-01-07T22:00:00.001-07:00

Tonight I went to the Utah Symphony concert on campus with Sharlee. They played Rachmoninov 2....which happens to be my favorite of all time.

All I have to say is this.

If I'm ever a cancer kid, my "make a wish" is to play Rach 2 as concertmaster.

The end.

2010-01-05T21:43:00.002-07:00

This is me as a young whipper snapper.

(Photo obviously taken by my mother, note the chopped off head.)

Since I was a little girl, I always would ask my mom to let me take tap lessons with my friends. This was always a no, because there's no way I could with the lift on the bottom of my right shoe. Anyway, I have always wanted to. I especially like percussive types of dancing.

Moral of the story: My legs are now the same length, and due to a newfound love of Fred Astaire and old musicals, I have enrolled in Beginning Tap. I'm gonna work my butt off at it.

Also, I seriously hope that I can dance with Fred Astaire just ONCE in heaven. I'm sure there is a long line, but I'll wait!

a gentleman and a scholar.

2010-01-02T01:52:00.005-07:00

What has happened to all of the gentlemen?

In my recent obsession with old movies and music I have realized just how great men were "back in the day". So the question I pose is, where did they go? And is it our fault (meaning women) or theres?

Urban dictionary defines a gentleman as: Something very rare today. A man who is respectful and considerate of those around him. Acts politely. Treats women with respect. Open doors for them, pulls out chairs, and is classy. What more guys should be. Because regardless of what your testosterone driven buddies tell you, treating people with respect and being polite doesn't make you a "fag" or "wimp" or whatever. It makes you a good person and will really benefit you in life.

Touche. The more I think about it, the more I feel like blaming this "lack of good men" on women. If a guy is polite and sweet and god forbid, cares about the way he looks, he MUST be gay. That or he must have alterior motives. His niceness cannot possibly be genuine. If the man is well dressed, he's "metro" instead of "debonair". If he holds intelligent conversation he's a know-it-all snot.

It's not wonder these "men" can't give us what we want, they have no idea! If I was a guy I wouldn't be able to figure it out.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I miss the "Fred Astaires" that used to once exist. How could I miss them? They have been few and far between in my lifetime. I think that there are a few things that women can do to encourage gentlemanly behavior amongst the lesser sex :)

We may wear skirts, but we really wear the pants. We make the rules out there. What we expect from men is what we will ultimately get. Set realistic standards of how you expect to be treated by ALL men. Encourage and celebrate this type of behavior in everyone we know. Friends, brothers, dates, etc.

Act like a lady. You get the respect back that you show yourself. If you dress and look like you don't deserve more than random hook-ups, that's probably all you will ever get.

Like this is the answer....geez. But it has got to help in the small communities we have at school or at home. It was the social "norm" back then to hold a lady's door open and stand when she walks into the room. Social rules and habits were much different. Maybe the solution here is to build a time machine and go back to about 1935... I can dream.

Your presence requested this evening. It's formal.

2009-12-24T17:50:00.006-07:00

Okay, first of all, I literally am not joking you when I say that my previously mentioned Fred Astaire curiousity has escalated to full on obsession.

In the last week I have watched the following movies:

Swing Time

Top Hat

Roberta

Follow the Fleet

Carefree

Shall We Dance

The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle

Funny Face

Still have many many more I am waiting to watch. I also bought his autobiography and have started reading that. I can't explain what it is, but this guy just fascinates me.

Christmas break is almost over. The first week went by extremely slow and the second week flew by. I spent the first week running around like a crazy person playing Santa for basically every single person in my family in some fashion. It is fun, but it gets a slight bit exhausting.

What did I get for Christmas?

black and white diamond ring

Flip camera

3 headbands

VS stuff

tons of clothes

teapot ( I literally let out an audible gasp of excitement)

Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers complete film collection

Perfume

Pretty good Christmas.

I also ended up getting pretty good grades this term too, despite a few minor setbacks. I'm really excited for next semester. Tomorrow I'm planning on making a schedule that should keep me pretty on top of things.

It's a New Year, dang it anyway. Like many of my friends, I do not like to make resolutions either. But you know what? I'm tired of getting to the end of one year after another and feeling like I didn't accomplish anything, thus, I make a list of goals:

Find a new hobby. One that doesn't involve violin. I need something to do that will keep my occupied and happy, and hopefully get some disguised exercise in the meantime. I really want to take some type of adult beginning dance class. I have always wanted to learn, and my recent Astaire obsession has brought it to light again. We will see. I'm scared to do it.
Be in bed every night by my bed time and get up when my alarm goes off. This is going to mean that I might have to bite it on a few things, like not getting assignments done because I waited too late, but I think I will eventually get the hang of it. I absolutely have to try this.
Practice. And everything that goes along with that loaded word.
Go to institute. I know, even I am shocked.
Loose some El Bees. hopefully more than less.

That should be more than enough for me to handle I think. These are all pretty selfish things I think, but if I take care of myself how I treat and take care of people and things in my life will improve also I think.

I'm off to watch yet another Astaire classic. Trying to cram as many in my brain as I can before break is over. lol.

Hope all of you out there had a great break too!

practice smart, not hard.

2009-12-12T22:04:00.002-07:00

Okay, now I tend to typically keep my violin obsessive nerdiness to myself, but I HAVE to post this on my blog, cause it DOWNRIGHT amazes me!

Okay...I have decided on my graduate school/next year's recital repertoire, one piece being Ysaye Sonata No. 2 for solo violin. I love it. Anyway...I decided maybe I should start plugging through the second movement exactly a week ago today. I went to it with a plan-here is what I did.

1. Listen to it 5ish times with the music in front of me.

2. Pick up violin and sight read it.

3. Pick through it VERY slowly making decisions about fingerings/bowings that I would like to change.

4. Record myself playing it.

5. Plug my earphones in and play along with the recording with my LEFT HAND only 3x.

6. With recording play with my RIGHT HAND only 3x.

7. REPEAT STEPS 5 & 6 THREE TIMES

8. Play both lines with my left hand but only voice the bottom line 3x.

9. Play both lines with my left hand but only voice the top line 3x.

10. Play together.

After I repeated this for only two days, I had the section memorized. It BLEW MY MIND.

Needless to say, I have been picking apart this movement in this manner for only the last week, and I am about one more day from having the whole movement memorized. It is KILLING ME HOW AWESOME THIS WORKS.

I will leave you with a recording of the movement this is about, as I am only taking a break and must now go back and practice some Beethoven.

the dark place.

2009-12-01T22:19:00.003-07:00

Yep. I'm there. The dark place. I've taken up residence once again.

It sucks when the only person you have to blame for your own unhappiness is yourself.

I'm having a horrible day...but this helps:

Oh. Em. Gee.

2009-11-04T23:09:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow this man will be at BYU. I think I'm going to pee me pants.

unspeakably close

2009-10-30T15:29:00.003-07:00

...to the edge, that is.

Yesterday is markably one of the worst days I've had in a while. I started out in a pretty good mood. Got to sleep in a little bit. Went to our dress rehearsal for the King Singers concert at eleven. Then I came home and warmed up for my lesson.

I don't know what it was about my lesson that pissed me off so much. Okay, maybe I have a bit of a clue, just don't feel like publishing it for all of the world to see....I hate crying in lessons. Lord knows, I've left a few crying before. But I can usually keep it together until the end of the lesson if things aren't going so great. Twas not the case yesterday. I just freaked out. Love those days. They are great. Especially when they happen in front of someone else.

Yesterday I was just so consumed with jealousy I couldn't even see straight. There are people at school, who shall remain nameless of course, that I could kill for their talent. I don't know what goes on in their heads, or how they feel about the violin itself. But I just don't see how anyone could love the thing more than me. I honestly don't see how that's possible. So why are they so much better than me? I've put in my time. I still sound like crap.

I love it so much, and would do unspeakable things in order to have some of the opportunities that they have. Goes to show you that you cant compare yourselves to others, always ends badly. But it's hard when they are shoved in your face on a daily basis.

If I can't win at this, then I don't even want to try. Why waste all of my life practicing if I'm not going to get anywhere?...

I would give my right pinky finger to be able to play in tune, and we all know how much I love my right pinky finger....cause the rest of it is there. If only pitch didn't matter, I'd be set.

I thought that maybe getting ready for the concert would cheer me up a bit. Nope. Once I got to school the tears started up again. To sum up my evening, I sat and cried for the half hour before the concert, went on stage, snapped at far too many people who were just trying to be nice, and counted the seconds until the concert was over. I feel bad about not really even caring about playing. I was just so pissed that I was numb to the fact I was on stage. It was weird. Oh well, I guess all you can do sometimes is just show up.

and thus continues my love/hate relationship with the violin.

I'm off to schedule my days down to the hour. I REFUSE to fail at this any longer.

it's a tritone life.

2009-10-05T23:25:00.002-07:00

I've had a crappy day.

Seems like that's the only time I ever blog. But this is a release for me. If you don't want to read my repetitive bitching, move on.

First off, something in my back/hip area is killing me. The only relief I get is laying flat on my back. Sometimes my hips really piss me off. One of the reasons why, is because I forget that all of my friends, peers, and profs at BYU really have no idea what's wrong with me. I forget that the only outside indicator of my condition is my fatness. Joy.

Anyway, I forget that no one knows that my legs are SERIOUSLY screwed over, and that if you look at an xray of me from the waist down, I look like a science experiment. But I guess I really shouldn't bitch about my short, yet even-legged life. At least I have two legs. That was debatable for a while. The only problem is that I don't like for people to think I'm being a huge baby, if I am admitting that I'm sore, than YES, I am in some legit pain. Contrary to belief, I do not like to bring attention to myself. I just want to be normal.

In hopes of improving the hip/back pain I set off for a massage. All that did was hurt me in other places and not at all improve my sore butt. Massage was closely followed by crying phone call to Momma. However, when I'm already clearly having a bad day, I really don't need to hear, "Well, maybe you should just go the dentist and have your mouth wired shut. That way you can't ever eat again." Thanks, Mom.

My eyes really hurt from crying.

Unrealistic thought: On days like today, when the leg wound won't stop burning, I feel like crap in general, and just can't seem to come out ahead of "life" I have this thought: Too bad I didn't die when I was a baby and really sick. I could be in the celestial kingdom right now. Probably playing my violin and laughing at all the idiots down here on Earth.

Life is tough.

On the upside, I had a REALLY fun time with Tess and Sharlee this weekend.

ode to my 4 legged obsession

2009-09-29T21:14:00.002-07:00

I really did love this dumb animal.

& I really still do love Quarter Horses.

My mom says all the time that she keeps hoping that I'll "grow out" of horseriding. Well I have some bad news for her. It's been 4 years since I've even owned a horse, and I love them even more than I did then.

It's crazy to think that it has been 5 years since I showed at the AQHYA world show. It really doesn't seem like that long ago. It feels like I was just there this past summer, and that my horse is currently chompin' on some hay in some stall in a remote barn in the middle of Oregon.

When I finally did sell Alvin in 2006, I couldn't go out to the barn when she picked him up. I sold my first horse when I was 14, and that was traumatizing. I cried and cried and cried. I will never forget standing in the pasture watching those people drive off with Jake. I felt like my stomach fell out my butt, and that there were so many tears I couldn't possibly cry them all. But, my mom, cousin, and aunt were there like they always were. Reminding me that now the exciting part starts! Now I get to start looking for a new one! A Quarter Horse!

When I sold Alvin, there was no hope of a new horse. He was it. (at least for the forseable future.) I miss that horse a lot sometimes. I miss going to Quarter Horse shows with my family. I miss hearing "first place goes to Elyse Hudson and First Inclination" over the loudspeaker. Riding horses was extremely satisfying for me. I loved riding them. There are only 2 places in the whole entire world where I feel significant. 1.) riding a horse 2.) performing on stage.

I really miss all of my friends that I had. Riding horses was the only place I felt like I really fit in in high school. I LOVED showing. Loved it. I loved packing for the show, all the "pre show madness", showing itself, driving home, all of it. I sure did make some memories out there.

When I have crappy days like today, all I want in the whole world is just to go find some random horse in the middle of some pasture and just hug him. I love how calm their breathing is, they are so strong and big, they make me feel secure. I miss the way that they smell, and the sound of them quitely chewing in their stalls.

I love watching them, they really are the most beautiful animal. I love them.

I've never felt cooler, or more confident, then I have on the back of a horse.

I can't wait to get out of college.

My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings.

2009-09-15T22:35:00.005-07:00

Okay.

I know this is totally retarded.

But I feel the need to say it anyway.

Universe: If it's possible, I'd like this:

Followed closely by this:

I don't know when exactly I decided I needed to be a Mom, but it's getting annoying.

It's late...that's usually when these ridiculous self-indulgent Jack Handey type confessions come spewing out. This, I fear, is no different.

God bless him...

If this were facebook, I would simply leave that as my vague status for days, probably driving everyone crazy with it's non-specific nature. However, this is my blog. And you poor souls actually come here to read what's going on in my chemically dependent brain. So, I will elaborate.

God bless him for putting me out of my misery. Ah, yes. The ellusive "him". If you know me well, you know his name. If you don't...."him" will just have to suffice. He has gone off and hitched someone else. This has done a few things to me, which I will now list. I love lists.

1. Broken my heart.

2. Changed my thoughts. Let me explain this one. I know that he is forever and ever now unavailable. That doesn't stop my mind from wandering to him like....I dunno....5 times a day. So, when these thoughts arise, I have to consciously kick them out because he doesn't belong to me. It's now WRONG to think about these things. That's a toughy.

3. Forced me to move on. I have gone on a few dates with new guys. Nothing serious. But I am making a conscious effort to try to find someone new to obsess over (lol). The fact that he found someone else is forcing me to do the same thing. There isn't even the slightest possibility that it's gonna happen anymore. The search continues.

Anyway, while I feel SO far behind in every single stinking aspect of my life---I keep soldiering on. I will fight. To the death if necessary.

School this semester is going much smoother. However, it is not NEAR as demanding as any of the past semesters. I need something to do. I am considering finding some type of part time ish teaching related job. It would be good for me.

I think that's gonna wrap it up tonight, fellow blog enthusiasts.

Read on.

who wouldn't wanna be me?

2009-09-10T00:17:00.003-07:00

This is where I went tonight.

I must admit, before tonight I wouldn't have considered myself a "Keith Urban fan". However, after seeing a show by this guy, I have a whole new outlook on his music. I have liked some of his songs in the past, and as an avid listener of current music, of course I know most of his songs. One of my most favorite songs period. EVER. is Tonight I Wanna Cry. AAAAAnyway. Just know: This guy has LEGIT guitar skills. He puts on a killer show. Plus, he's easy on the eyes, so that doesn't hurt either. :)

I wasn't so totally committed and stoked about the idea of going to the concert, but Christine suggested we go, so I agreed. I'll try anything once. lol. But seriously, I love concerts. If any of my blog readers EVER need a concert buddy, I'm THERE. Dancing and singing in the front row. Or respectfully listening to a symphony and pondering it's meaning...whichever is more appropriate. :)

Being a moderate fan of Keith Urban and a huge fan of one of my besties, Christine, I agreed to go. Besides, who doesn't totally love getting all ready to go out just because you can? I love being a girl. Hair and makeup? YES PLEEEEASE. Enjoy a few photos. I have included one of my hair, it was bomb status and looked good all night long. Hopefully I'll be able to duplicate it again in the future.

Driving home from the concert was almost just as fun as the actual concert though! We put the top down and blasted Keith Urban all the way back to Provo, singing and dancing like fools.

My feet hurt from dancing, my head hurts from lack of sleep combined with loud music, and I probably will have no voice tomorrow due to "singing" aka screaming keith urban songs all night long, but you know what? Tonight was a blast.

Moral of the story: If you ever get to see this guy live, DO IT. Also, music kills!

You didn't send me some flowers that you couldn't possibly afford, did you?

2009-07-20T12:04:00.002-07:00

This is quite possibly one of my most favorite movies. Great sappy plot, lots of 90's eye candy, corny power love ballads of the indie rock persuasion. Deathly trio. I LOVE it. If you haven't ever seen it, seriously, netflix it or something. It's good.

Anyway, I just dug it out of my old collection of classic VHS favorites.

I actually slept last night! Like, during NORMAL people sleeping hours! That hasn't happened for me in what feels like weeks. So, I'm celebrating by doing some homework and maybe even practicing a little bit. :) I'm going to the airport tonight to pick up Tess.<---if you don't know her, your loss. :)

Peace out girl (or boy) scouts.

nice to wake up to.

2009-06-28T13:34:00.002-07:00

An old friend said this to me today:::

"...you are a completely different person than the girl from Oregon I knew my first semester....you let God mold you...and it's beautiful."

I thought that was sweet.

You'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.

2009-06-28T03:02:00.002-07:00

As is customary, I typically post a photo at the top of my blog. However, there really is only one picture I can think about posting right now...and for certain reasons I just don't think it's a good idea....So for all intensive purposes, just place whatever picture for you would represent gut wrenching heartache here:::::::

I couldn't sleep before...now I'm really not going to be able to.

It must be a good thing...I'm just having a hard time seeing it as such right now.

SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A 'BALLERINA.' I knew it. It figures.

Time to stop daydreaming and grow up a bit I suppose. It's not like it was mine to begin with anyway...I mean, it felt like it should be...but I guess not.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not proud of the fact that it's 4:08 AM and I'm currently blogging this...sitting in the dark in my room listening to sappy girl ballads. I hate it, actually.

Psychology says that you chose the way you feel. But I don't think so. Trust me, I'd really like to not be feeling this way right now. I'd like to be doing practically anything else actually.

All of the proof points to me being p.a.t.h.e.t.i.c. and life being torturously unfar at the moment.

Screw this noise. I'm getting an eHarmony.

I love my momma very much...now you know that.

2009-06-24T21:47:00.003-07:00

I just got done having break up sex with a teriyaki cheeseburger and some fries.

Today I broke up with food.

We went out with a bang, so to speak.

I bought a blender and a bike today.

Tomorrow is day one of my diet.

I'm tired of watching all the ballerina's get married.

Tired.

2009-06-19T01:32:00.001-07:00

Long Horse Survey Created by lobster-in-a-toga and taken 481 times on Bzoink
Basic Information
Name:	Elyse Hudson
Age:	21
Years Riding:	12
About Your Horse
(If you don't have a horse of your own, do a favorite school horse!)
Name:	Alvin
Show Name:	First Inclination
Color:	bay
Breed:	Quarter Horse, of course!
Markings:	four stitched white socks
Gender:	gelding
Age:	11
Do You Know How To...
Braid?:	nope
Band?:	very good actually
Pick out a hoof?:	of course
Muck a stall?:	DUH
Sit a trot?:	doy again
Post to a trot?:	heck yes. i'm the best diagonal finder around
Jump?:	ha. not really.
Load a horse into a trailer?:	they load themselves
Bridle a horse?:	yep
Saddle a horse?:	doy
Lead a horse?:	nope...lol
Clean tack?:	haha yes
Check for lameness?:	yep
Canter?:	lol no all i do is walk . of course
Groom a horse?:	yep
Prepare for a show?:	like a pro
Put on a winter blanket?:	yep
Mix your horse's feed?:	yep
Pull a mane?:	yep
Clip a horse?:	yep
Braid a tail?:	doy...many different ways
Start a foal?:	not so much
Ride a bucking horse?:	nope
Ride a rearing horse?:	yes
Lunge a horse?:	yep
Compete in a showmanship class?:	done it! tons.
Compete in a trail class?:	done it.
So, what do you do?
Ride trails?:	not a lot...my horse is an indoor horse
Show?:	all the time.
Just ride for fun?:	sure
Pleasure (Western Pleasure, HUS)?:	LOVE western pleasure
Dressage?:	not so much into it
Jumping?:	lol. i've fallen a few times attempting this
Equitation?:	pro
Horsemanship?:	total pro
Bareback?:	sure do. sometimes i'm just too lazy for a saddle
Speed/gaming?:	no thanks
Cross country?:	nope
Mounted shooting?:	haha no way
Battle reenacting?:	no
Hey, I'm trying to mention some lesser-known horse sports.
Foxhunting?:	no
Endurance?:	no
Roping?:	no
Cutting?:	no
Bronc riding?:	no
Ride-and-tie?:	no
Saddleseat?:	no
Sidesaddle?:	no
Driving?:	no
Thoroughbred racing?:	no
Standardbred racing?:	no
Another kind of racing (e.g. Quarter Horse)?:	no
Polo?:	no
Polocrosse?:	no
Vaulting?:	no
Leadline? (Hahaha.):	no
Halter?:	sure
Showmanship?:	all the time
Lead-in trail?:	no
Ahhh, I can't think of any more. Sorry if I missed your discipline!
Now for some random stuff!
How many years have you been riding?:	12ish
Is your horse shod?:	he sure was
Do you know anything about natural horsemanship?:	not a lot
What discipline have you not tried that you'd like to try?:	cutting
When was the last time you fell off?:	um...it's been a while...like prob 4 or 5 years
Have you even fallen off before?:	numerous. hurts like heck.
Who was the first horse you ever rode in a lesson?:	Bear.
How old was the oldest horse you've ever ridden?:	idk....
What about the youngest horse?:	prob 3
Have you ever handled a stallion?:	no. gross.
What about a foal?:	yep. they are so cute.
What do you think about helmets?:	i think you always wish you were wearing one when you were flying through the air. i only wore them when forced.
Do you like giving your horse a bath?:	sure. it's fun to make them pretty.
Is your horse really hot, really calm, or somewhere in the middle?:	pretty lazy actually.
Does your horse spook a lot?:	not really. sometimes tho. he's scared of sprinklers. deathly.
Have you ever used your horse's tail brush on yourself?:	tons of times
Don't laugh--at horse shows, I use it when I can't find my hairbrush :)
Have you used one of those groomer stones?:	NO
Have you ever ridden along a road?:	yep
Have you ever ridden into a body of water?:	i have
Do you like grooming your horse?:	love it
Do you like bathing your horse?:	sure
Have you ever fallen off at a show?:	um.....have i? not in a class....maybe in warmup
Do you like petting your horse's nose?:	i like KISSING my horses nose.
Has a horse ever fallen on you?:	yep. once. hurt.
Have you ever ridden...?
An Appaloosa?:	no
A Quarter Horse?:	I LOVE THEM!!!!! haha yes.
A Thoroughbred?:	an appendix quarter...lol
A Mustang?:	no
A pony?:	yes
A horse over 16 hands?:	yep
A Shire?:	no
A Percheron?:	no
A Clydesdale?:	no
An American Saddlebred?:	no
A Morgan?:	no
More random stuff time!
Do you own a pair of breeches?:	a few
Have you ever walked without stirrups?:	who hasn't?
Trotted without stirrups?:	yep. i hated "crossing your irons." I always used to cheat. lol
Cantered without stirrups?:	yep
Jumped without stirrups?:	no way
Have you ever ridden without reins?:	yep. no bridle
In your first lesson, were you put on a lunge line?:	no.
Have you ever had a lesson on the lunge line?:	yeah. a few tramatic ones.
Do you like psycho horses?:	what sort of a question is that?
Do you like sturdy, reliable horses?:	YEP. definition of qh right there.
Is your horse good about having his/her feet lifted?:	yeah he's fine
Is your horse's mane wild?:	it's like an afro.
Will your horse ground tie?:	no
What color is your saddle pad?:	which one? lol. i had tons.
What color is your horse's halter?:	it was black and red with his name across the nose.
What color lead rope do you have?:	it was black and red
Have you ever given your horse Gatorade (or something like that)?:	root beer and fruit snacks. he likes those.
Does your horse switch his tail and hit you?:	yeah or it would get caught on the safety pins at shows.
Have you ever been to a breed show?:	QUARTER HORSE SHOWS!!! holla!!!
Are you in 4-H or Pony Club?:	lol! Don't make me laugh.
What color is the manure fork that you use most often?:	red i think it was. or wait....the show one was purple.
What kind of helmet do you have?:	a gay one.
Do you prefer straw or felt hats?:	um...the fancy ones.
What color breeches do you like most?:	dark khaki
Have you ever won a belt buckle?:	A LOT. love it. have tons.
Do you ever carry a crop?:	yeah with my first horse all the time.
Do you ever wear spurs?:	they were a necessity with Alvin. lazy bum.
What color is the barn?:	yellow
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey \| Search Surveys \| Create a Survey

late night monday reflections

2009-06-08T20:59:00.002-07:00

Okay. So for about the past hour-ish I have been reading my blogs from about two years-a year ago. It is amazing how much I really have accomplised in the past year! It is so good to go look back and realize that maybe you have come a long ways, when you are living it sometimes it doesn't feel like it at all.

A few examples:

I am PROACTIVE. Last year it seems like all of my blogs were passive and depressing. Now, I make things happen. If I want to go out and do something, I round up some friends and we go do it! I'm more open minded about doing things.

I can SLEEP. Yeah, my sleeping gets wacked out sometimes but doesn't everyones? And when it does I have the common sense to realize that hey, I slept all day, of course I'm not going to be able to fall asleep early! But in general I'm doing SO much better with this.

I am at HOME. In the last year I have felt SO insecure at BYU. I know that this is where I want to be, I just didn't fit in it felt like. Now, I feel like I totally fit in. I love the school. Wouldn't trade it for anything.

I can PRACTICE! This one to me, is one of the most amazing. I used to PANIC if I couldn't figure out how to play something RIGHT then...I am so much more patient now, it's crazy. Also, I have a plan. I'm proactive about practicing. I go in with a plan, if something is wrong I fix it THEN. I realize it's a work in progress. And I can love the journey. I no longer hate practicing most days....in fact I look forward to it. And I look forward to the next time I get to play for someone, instead of dreading it.

GROWTH, my friends. That's what it's all about.

Biggest lesson I've learned recently: ACTION comes before MOTIVATION. Many people think, including myself, that you have to wait until you "feel" like doing something before you can do it. If I don't "feel like it" I shouldn't do it. To this I say, whatev. START doing something, THEN you become motivated.

Amen and God bless.

I can almost see it.

2009-06-02T23:52:00.002-07:00

That's right folks. I'm back at it.

3 hours a day.

(soon to be 4)

Ysaye. Bach. Saint Saens.

It's been really nice to start practicing again this past week from a whole 3 weeks of taking some time off. It's been much needed. The violin just already feels better in my hands. I had hit a wall, now with my renewed energy I think I can hurdle over it, or at least lunge myself over it clumsily.

I'm back in Utah. I really have nothing to do though. It sucks because I really could have just stayed home longer, but my mom had already bought me an airplane ticket to come home in a few weeks so I sorta had to be over here to catch the plane. lol.

I've not been feeling well this past week, i think a lot of it has been allergies. But I feel a little bit better now, it's been raining a lot so things have been settling down a little. I still have yet to even meet one of my roommates. The other two are great. Really nice.

School starts again in three weeks. Not too excited about it. I thought I would luck out and only have class on 2 days a week, turns out it's going to be every day. LAME. Oh well...must get it done, and more importantly, get it done WELL. Grad school is looming.

I love you all.

Or-y-gun. Take I.

2009-05-08T12:25:00.002-07:00

So. I'm just chillin out at my mom's office waiting for her to get done so we can go do exciting fun things....but she is taking forever....so now seems like as good a time as ever for a nice little blog update.

I drove back to Oregon with my mama last Friday. I slept a lot of the way. Saturday Brie and I drove over to Ashland so I could rehearse with my pianist for the Honors Rectial thingy at the Ragland the next day. I TOLD THAT KID 2 MONTHS AGO THAT THE BRAHMS WAS HARD. But did he listen to me? Negative. SO...twinkle toes couldn't cut it on the Brahms, so I had to at the last minute pull a Bach movement out of my back pocket and vamp that up in just a few hours. I think it went okay for what it was. Wasn't anything mind blowing. The old people liked it.

I'm like cat nip for old people.

On Monday morning I went up to KU to meet with Mr. Hakanson about doing this clinic this week. We sorta messed around with the schedule and got things organized. This whole week I have been doing an intonation clinic with the schools here, mainly the junior high and high school, however I also have been visiting with the other kids in the elementary school's as well. After my time, I have one thing to say.---> Mr. Hakanson is a saint. The end.

The majority of those junior high kids are pretty darn bratty, and the elementary ones are just annoying.

Other than that, just been hanging out with Brie, relaxing about, eating lots of ice cream and the sort. After this Tuesday I'm done with the school stuff and I can just really get back in to practicing the violin. Until then, I miss you, violin.

It really has been a long needed vacation though.

Don't really know how long exactly I'm going to be here...I can't decide. I really don't feel like going back to Utah anytime soon.....probably 2 more weeks then I'm off. Anyway....love you, blog readers.

fancy free, free for anything.

2009-04-29T21:53:00.002-07:00

TOO tired to post details...Here are some pics of the new place. It's pretty legit. I actually pretty much love it. More later.

bippity boppity bacon.

2009-04-15T11:02:00.003-07:00

Juries are OVER! I feel like I actually played pretty well. It wasn't perfect. It never is. It was typical. And lately my typical has been acceptable. So there you have it, folks.

I started working on my new music last week, so has to distract myself from the fear of juries. I'm SO excited to not have to practice the Mendelssohn anymore. Love it, had fun today playing it, but am DONE with it for a while.

Now on to other things. In one week exactly I'll be done with all of my finals. Next task: learn some viola tunes and pass that bad boy off tomorrow. Then it's time to study for some finals. GOOD times. In exactly a week it will all be over. That's what I keep telling myself.

It'll all be worth it.

don't ever say I don't commit to my music.

2009-04-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

bedtime bliggity blog

2009-04-11T01:23:00.002-07:00

So. It's 2:24 a.m. I have a recital at 8 a.m. Then I'm recording my answers to the pilgrims journey thing in the de Jong at 12. Then, another stab at the Pilgrim's Journey. And am I sleeping? nope. I'm blogging.

Today was pretty great. Went to string workshop. go me! (small victories)
Argued with Tess and Madilyn about where to eat. Settled on the wrap place, as per usual. Sat on the slab for the last Friday of the year. Sad. I'm gonna miss them until the fall. I had a rehearsal with Danny. Today was the first day that I have actually felt 'okay' about juries. Brahms memory slips but I know I'll pull it out. Tess came to listen. :)

Then I came home and got ready for pilgrims. The concert was really long, but I think it went well.

One of the camera guys kept coming up in front of the piano and wacking me with his stupid cable chord! He recorded me a LOT too. It's really hard not to look at the camera when it's inches from your face and you are trying desperately to not look stupid and still manage to watch the conductor and not mess up. It's good times.

After the concert Madilyn, Sarah, Colby and I all ate marvelous banana splits and watched/sang Hairspray.

Now I am laying blissfully in bed needing sleep but not wanting it at the same time.

I love BYU. a lot.

2009-03-25T21:48:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my world for the next week. I will be dictating the entire first movement of the Mendelssohn violin concerto before next Wednesday...i hope.

Today was pretty awesome. Updates to follow.

is it over yet? can I open my eyes?

2009-03-14T11:42:00.003-07:00

I hate my car. It's like a magnet for accidents. I've hit one person in it....again, parking lot accident. I've been hit once. It got broken into once last year in SLC, and guess what? last night someone broke in again! The whole driver's side of my car is busted out....so now I look SO ghetto because my bumper is still broken....and now I have two black plastic garbage bags taped over where my window should be. Not to mention the fact that the inside is covered in shattered glass. I hate my car.

School:::

sucks. So let's talk about my week. Sunday night, for some reason, I was up all night. So I went to class and then to phil rehearsal. After I went up and grabbed an audition time. When I was standing in line I heard from one of my friends that we had a test in music history that was over on wednesday. crap. So I crammed for that thing and practiced all Monday night. Tuesday morning rolls around. Class. More practicing. On to master class. Played Mendelssohn. Promptly after considered ending my life. Played excerpts for audition. Left in a tizzy fit. Crammed ALL night for music history test. Literally all night. Another all nighter. Went to class. Took test. Pulled of a 70% and an 81%. Those are numbers I can live with. Started in on cramming for audition. Thursday: Class. More practicing. Violin lesson. Slight to moderate panic attack. Practicing. More panic attack. Friday: slept in. went to Nordstroms and bought some makeup. More practicing. Took break and found out car got broken into. More tears, followed promptly by more practicing and, you guessed it, even more tears. Up late freaking out about mentioned audition and weighing pros and cons of actually going. Woke up, warmed up, drove to school and bs'ed audition. Now I'm here.

Maybe this next week will go a little smoother. Only one test. And no foreseeable violin issues.

I'm rewarding myself with getting my hair done today. I'm tired.

I'd be almost happy from a distance.

2009-03-09T00:54:00.002-07:00

Been a while.

Not a lot has been going on. Just been really busy playing the violin and other such music related business. I'm getting super super nervous for juries. One word for you: Mendelssohn. It's the bane of my existance currently. I still have not yet got my car fixed, awesome. The other girls insurance company is literally retarded. RE-TAR-DED. Hopefully this week...*cross your fingers*. This week I have another seating audition for the phil...looking to move up a few more seats. It's the last one for this year though. Just gotta keep on a climbin'. Yay.

Not a lot else really that's note worthy....I have a new apartment starting at the end of April---pretty stoked to move and RE-DECORATE! Watch out, Bob Villa. :) I'm also playing in a recital back home on May 3rd at the Ross Ragland. If you are in town, come check it out. Last week I had to write a 10 pg analysis paper on the first movement of a Beethoven string quartet. I worked my butt off on that thing. I think I'll get it back some time this week....we'll see how that all works out. Hopefully I did well.

Trying to really buckle on down to school issues, since I've really got like 5 more weeks left. I can STILL do it. Wish me luck in my academic endeavors.

never stays the same for long, afraid she'll get it wrong. perfect only in her imperfections.

2009-02-17T00:01:00.002-07:00

Today was EVENTFUL for a few different reasons.

Firstly: Colby, Sarah, Madilyn and Tyler came over and we played rock band on the big screen up in the clubhouse. SO fun. I miss that game. Then I had family home evening. Like, 4 people showed up. Found out that my FHE partner is moving...so I'm now flying SOLO in that department until further notice.

Everyone, meaning Colby, Sarah, Madilyn, Tess, Sarah B, David, Tyler, and Nikki came over for movie night tonight. We played madgab for a long time, SO fun. Then we ordered pizza from papa johns and watched Much Ado About Nothing. We had a fun time. Good times were had. I love my friends mucho.

...basically I don't know. My back feels a little bit better today. Hopefully I can make it in to the gym sometime this week...

uuuuggggg.

ugh.

if you read this, do it.

2009-02-08T01:24:00.002-07:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I have a certain liking for any woodland creatures. ex: squirrel, chipmunk, gopher, etc. LOVE them.

2. I don't like talking on the phone. I think I sound like a man. I prefer texting to talking.

3. My favorite movie is Lord of the Rings. deal with it.

4. I've recently taken up the mandolin. I dabble at it occasionally. It's pretty legit.

5. I'm addicted to coloring my hair. It's a problem that I'm willing to live with. Until my hair falls out, at least.

6. Saying I love playing the violin is an understatement.

7. My favorite piece of music of all time is Rachmaninov (bugs me when people spell it with an "ff" at the end) symphony No. 2

8 I secretly love musicals and musical theater. shh. don't tell!

9. I wear MAC makeup. and only MAC makeup.

10. I might love BYU too much.

11. I want to win a concerto competition some day.

12. I've never waxed/plucked my eyebrows.

13. I have 14 scars from leg surgeries.

14. I love the smell of nail acrylic.

15. I sleep in a lot. Like, on school days. It's a problem.

16. I'm completely terrified of bridges. I hate going over them. I hold my breath the whole time.

17. If I could choose ANY meal to eat you can be sure that it would involve salmon. YUM!

18. I might be willing to admit I have a slight addiction to diet coke.

19. I sleep with a teddy bear.

20. I call my mom A LOT.

21. I have a penguin trash can. It's okay to be jealous.

22. I've wrecked my car twice in the past 6 months. Both in the same parking lot.

23. I can park basically wherever I want on campus. I have a handicap sticker. and NO I didn't steal it it's actually mine. Refer to #13 if you're confused.

24. Is scared of old people. It's a long story.

25. I have a serious crush on Dr. House.

I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain to figure out how high the world could reach.

2009-02-07T23:14:00.002-07:00

It's been a while. 'What's new with you?' you might ask. Well: I just got done watching the Office and eating some Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream. The Office was funny and the ice cream was delicious, as usual. I just got done downloading some new music from iTunes. Madilyn introduced me to some good stuff this weekend. Firstly, I've been debating whether or not to purchase the rest of the Taylor Swift album, after further sampling it yesterday I concluded to go through with it. So far, no regrets. :) Also, John McLaughlin is amazing. Check him out.

I've been in St. George since Thursday night. I picked up Madilyn and we drove down Thursday night after we were done with school and such. It was further than I thought, never been there before. About Cedar City I realized I MAY have forgotten my makeup. Long story short, I did. That sucketh. We had to make an emergency run to walmart in St. George and by the necessary items. I felt like a cheap hooker all weekend. Oh well. Also, in Madilyn's exhausted state of dilerium she noticed that the "Home Depot" sign had a light out, the "M". Apparently "Hoe Depot" is pretty blasted funny that late at night. We laughed a lot. We somehow made it successfully to Hailey's house. There we met up with Hailey and her family, Laurisa, Emily, Jarika, Sarah, other Sarah, and Diana. We all crashed at Haileys for the weekend. It was AWESOME fun.

Friday we woke up early and got all ready and went to the UMEA conference. Listened to some good presentations. One that made me feel sufficiently awkward that involved moving to the music however you wanted...ya. Colby, Sarah, Madilyn and I went to In&Out for lunch. We sang, no...belted Disney music all the way there and back. In the afternoon Madilyn, Hailey, Allison, Chip, and myself all went to the Jazz for Strings" series. Randy Sabien from Berklee was the lecturer. It was a great presentation. Very interesting...even if I could hardly stay awake. Friday night Summerhay's Music payed for our dinner and Chuck-A-Rama. I had never eaten there before...probably because it involves the word "Chuck" in the title. Not appealing. However, I ended up enjoying myself. After dinner all of us...literally ALL OF US...went up to Hailey's for games and whatever. We played the really fun cat and mouse game with the ties, it was a big hit. Glad I stole that from David! :) After that died down some of us congregated around the piano and sight sang a ton of musical-esque music that Madilyn had. It was pretty fun. Then Brian, Colby, Kenny and I tried to figure out Wii bowling...after having no luck all of us settled down and watch Mulan. classic. At that point we were all pretty tuckered out, so all the "budget boys" went back to the budget inn and the girls went to there respective housing locations.

Today we decided to sleep in. There weren't really any clinics that we wanted to go to in the morning so we showed up during the big Town Hall meeting. Then we had a special collegiate members luncheon. That was great. The MENC national president was at our conference and spoke to us. Then we went to a clinic on sectionals. We took off at about 3:30. We decided to stop in Beaver for dinner...had some BK. Colby was driving one of the BYU vans, so we played tag the whole way back to Provo, good times. Madilyn other OTHER Sarah and I had fun singing songs all the way back in the car.

All in all, fun times were had. I got to see some old teachers and friends and hang out with my new ones. It was great. Plus, I got lots of free merch and meals...can't beat that!

I have another BYU phil concert on Tuesday. We have another promo video, unfortunately I'm not in this one, but it's still cool and you get to hear some of the Brahms 2nd. It's gonna rock.

http://www.byuarts.com/calendar/eventdescription.php?id=1484

I bend but don't break, but somehow I'll get through.

2009-01-28T22:42:00.002-07:00

This is yet another blog dedicated to my love/hate relationship with the violin. So, I'm doing this thing where everyday I up my pieces by one click. Well...tonight I sat down and honestly wrote down every single mistake I made in the Brahms and the Mendelssohn. TWO WHOLE POST-IT NOTES FULL OF MISSED SHIFTS. I hate my life. If I could just freaking SHIFT then guess what? I'd have it! I get the music- I have good tone- by bow hand mostly rocks.

I HATE THIS!

I feel like I'm totally just screwed over. Maybe I haven't been doing what I should have been doing this whole time...maybe I misunderstood? I HATE IT. I want to be good SO bad. Me having a good experience with music keeps getting interupted by this freaking hickups of missed shifts! I'M DONE.

SERIOUSLY!

Very very very very very very very very done.

I'm starting to think that maybe this just isn't for me...this can only end in tears.

They say you're here every moment.

2009-01-25T00:07:00.004-07:00

Lots of thoughts. First thought:

Friends are scary. When I think about the best friends I've had in my life...only one or two are still around. I miss all of them. Making new friends, and finally deciding that you are going to trust someone new is really hard. I hate doing it. I've recently fallen into a new circle of friends. They are great people. Really good examples, fun to be around. We all have a lot in common. I always wonder how long we are going to be friends though. I'm in it for the long haul now...but I just don't know what will happen. It's really hard for me to trust people, so when I finally do it's kind of a huge deal. I'm thankful that they are in my life, but can not help but feel extremely inadequate around them. It's nothing they do. It's all me. They are are prettier, more talented...haven't made as many stupid mistakes as I have...etc. I dunno. I guess for now I just need to relax and roll with it...

Secondly. I really need to start spending some quality time with myself. As the Grinch would say: "Lunch with myself? I CAN NOT miss that again!" :) Seriously though. I really need to start taking care of myself physically and spiritually. I've just sort of been living...and that's stretching it a little bit. I guess I'm just scared of change because I know that right now things are "alright" and if I try to do some self improvement there is a chance that things could go from "alright" to bad again, real quick like. Again, I guess all I can do is try..even though it doesn't sound like a blast. I wonder sometimes if there is a time in your life for everything...and if you miss it you miss it...?... Like, because I wasn't worthy of certain blessings at a certain time that I would have received if I was worthy, are they gone for good? Or will they be made up for when I get back on track.....I hope they aren't gone forever.

Sometimes I'm retarded. Scratch that-a lot of the time.

Thirdly-I had an epiphany of sorts with the violin stuff today randomly. I'm doing really well with the Brahms right now. I'm feeling really good about it. Mendelssohn is not going so well. I said to myself, Self: What is different about your approach to the Brahms as opposed to the Mendelssohn? Well, I've worked on the Mendelssohn before...that could be effecting it. I didn't really have a clean slate with it. I feel like the Mendelssohn is a piece I should have played already...so I feel dumb playing it at 21. Then it hit me: I like the Brahms. The Brahms speaks to me, quite literally. I have an idea about what's going on...I "get it" emotionally. My approach to the Mendelssohn has been very mechanical...which is important. But I don't have a clue what it's trying to say to me. I can't figure it out. I've heard it too many times...good questions for this weeks lesson stuff i guess.

Whoa, talk about word vomit.

I'm out.

Obama

2009-01-20T16:05:00.002-07:00

I don't know how to start this...so here we go. I was pretty bummed that I had class during inaguration. It was something that would have been really neat to see live. However, I did watch it online on cnn.com. It was pretty neat. I've said it once, I'll say it again. Regardless of whether you like Obama or not, today was a great day in American history. One that we all lived to see, and we should all be thankful that we got to. And well, Obama's your president now, so get used to it! :) Obama's speech this morning was particularly motivating. He must have some great speech writers. He is also a great speaker. Much different vibe then listening to Clinton or Bush, which is really all I can remember. It's no secret that things aren't going great right now in the US, but I'm glad that Obama has the wheel now.

I really enjoyed the performance of Air and Simple Gifts with Itzhak Perlman. How neat to be part of that. It was arranged special for the event by John Williams. I just think it is such a neat combination of music and performers that is a perfect representation of America. I just loved the arrangement of Simple Gifts--written by Aaron Copeland, an American composer. I did however realize the irony in the message...being an American is not a simple gift. It is something that was won by our ancestors, and something that we should not take for granted. We do sometimes view it as our right to be free, to be American. I just really appreciated the performance of this right before he was sworn in as our president. That song now holds additional special meaning to me.

God Bless America.

the epic quest

2009-01-11T20:35:00.003-07:00

Quick story:

So tonight my roommates, Jessica, and I decided that we would go the CES fireside at school, President Monson was speaking. So, the fireside started at 6, so we thought that if we got there at 4 we would get pretty decent seats. So when we get there we realize that there is a string of people filing into the door, so in we go....come to find out that we actually snuck in with the choir...the HUGE line of people waiting to go in were freezing their butts off outside...so we snuck into the bathroom and waited it out in there. We met a few friends who did the same thing, so we just sat around in the bathroom and played "Would You Rather?" until they opened the doors. At that point we made a MAD DASH down the stairs for seats. We got seats in the 3rd row! It was awesome! I could actually see the prophet from where we were sitting without having to look up at the monitor thingy. We were also right next to the choir, so that proved to be entertaining. The choir director was yelling threats out at the choir over the chatter of the crowd.."I SWEAR if I see one of you looking up at the Jumbotron you will DIE."

The fireside turned out to be a good one. When we got home Allyson made us pancakes. good stuff. I am cranky...and need to finish homework. Until next we meet.

I keep waiting for the world to hear my song, so they can tell me I was wrong.

2008-12-27T23:45:00.002-07:00

Happy Christmas to all!

First and foremost- my hair is BACK TO NORMAL. For those of you following my every changing hair color---it has gone from blonde to bright red to dark black/red-brown- poop brown-back to blonde since july. I am SO glad it's back to normal. I feel like I have part of myself back. I was having a serious identity crisis.

Secondly-the list of christmas gifts I got: *princess cut 1/2 kt diamond earrings (sorry allyson!) *2 sweet headbands from nordstroms *puffy hat like white one, but grey * madolin * book* cute delicates bags * ed hardy chucks, they rock my world * scarf for purse (that's right, my purse got a present) * couple shirts *pair of jeans * designer sunglasses *puffy vest...etc. I say "etc" because I'm sure I forgot a few things...but you get the drift. All in all, good christmas. Made out like a bandit, as per usual. Good stuff. Off to portland to get a new violin and go shopping with mama on monday! :)

Okay:::

All in all, good times were had by all this Christmas. We went to the play at the Cabaret as per usual. Good times...actually not really this year. The waitress was a huge B%$@(!@*^. I seriously went to go tell on her, but there was no one on duty at the front desk. Oh well, everyone was together for 3 hours...and let's face it, that never ever happens. Had a busy week last week playing 'Santa' for misc. people in my family. I got to hang out with Kevin and Kendra while they were here, and that was good. Christmas Jeff and his crew came to Charla's and we had Christmas dinner over there. GOOD STUFF. We played dorky games all night long...-sorry Rex that you suck at Mad Gab....it was good for giggles. I ate way too much-as is typical on holidays. It was a good Christmas I think. One of the best in a while.

I went and saw Marley and Me yesterday with the parents. DO NOT SEE IT! :) I cried for the last half hour of that movie, easily. There are SO many good movies out right now. I need to see Yes Man, Valkyrie, Benjamin Button, Revolutionary Road...and one other...that's slipped my mind. Good movies this Christmas! Not enough time to see them all.

Been hanging out at Charla's a lot. Makin cookies, hanging around, playing with Buddy, playin Wii with Scot. I played Wii for the first time last week and I almost DIED. I played baseball for a long time and the next day couldn't really lift my arms. haha.

I have been slacking in the violin/music department...which always happens over break. But I'm still doing okay. Been practicing. Just not as much as I want. It's been busy! I think I got good grades this semester I think! I did good on all of my finals, so we'll see when grades come out on the 2nd.

I told myself that over break I was really going to try to focus on myself while I had the time. Just work on improving good ole Elyse. I've 'thought' about it, but haven't actually started doing anything...probably should this week. I haven't been myself lately, but I've been so busy with school/violin and such that I just have had to ignore everything and just FOCUS on school and violin in order to stay afloat. Next semester looks exciting. Form and analysis--ew. Church history with Sister Black-amazing! Good stuff!

Anyway, I'm going out with some friends tonight. I've basically been hanging out with my parents for the past week straight. Not that that's bad, but I need some fresh air for a few hours.

Wish me luck on the violin hunt!

ring ring Who's there? **DESTINY... I've been expecting your call!

2008-12-12T00:59:00.004-07:00

Poll::: please vote for what you think is happening in this picture.

a.) my roommates forgot to feed me, so I'm left with no choice but to enjoy a tastey violin snack.

b.) I'm pulling a Stevie Ray Vaughn and am attempting to pluck my strings with my teeth.

c.) I was looking at my violin and Allyson very rudely knocked it up into my mouth, chipping my front tooth and leaving my face horribly disfigured.

The answer is...b.

So, here we are, typical night activity: watching the tivo and doing misc. side projects. My side project tonight was getting ready for juries. i.e. scrambling together a portfolio and polishing my violin. Anyway, I don't know how it happened, but I somehow ended up chewing on my bridge, this led to trying to pluck my E string with my front teeth. At this point the roommates were pointing fingers (remember, when you point a finger you have 3 pointing back at you!) and rolling around on the floor in a fit of tears. I, naturally, couldn't deny my avid blog readers of this awesome classic "Elyse" moment.

...maybe I should get back to my prep for juries...which are tomorrow.

I think it's time for a break, yeah?

There are 2 types of people in the world, the ones that entertain and the ones that observe.

2008-12-03T00:14:00.003-07:00

In front of Christmas tree at Westin St. Francis

This is my brother's old lady.

sisterz. yes, with a 'z'.

view from room

So I figure that it's time for an update. Seeing as how the homework has run dry for the night and blackboard isn't working---now seems like as good a time as ever. So for Thanksgiving we went to San Fransisco. It was a rip roaring good time. Hilary Hahn blew my mind. She is so amazing. We went and listened to her play the Tchaikovsky concerto with the symphony. SO GOOD. Although, Stephanie and Charla were pretty bored. Next time I'll have to make them "concert bingo" or something... Shopping was also grand. Gotta love it. We went and saw Phantom of the Opera at the Orpheum theater.---amazing. I personally liked it better than when we saw it in New York. The guy who played the Phantom was intense. However, I must say that I have totally ruined the emotional impact of the musical by how many times I've seen the stupid movie. It literally has little to no effect on my anymore. But it was very well done.

Now I'm trying to make it through the last few days of the term. 7 more days of class. On top of that---two take home finals, 4 concerts, a recital, and juries. Should be intense.

I HATE the bass. I've literally been trying to play the stupid thing. I can't! I had a panic attack tonight trying to play it---then my Mom helped me realize something. Due to my...um..."lack of thigh"...it is impossible to get the thing in the right position, therefore making it damn near impossible to play...I don't even care at this point...I just want to be done with the bass and on to an instrument that I can at least fake.

Boo.

YOU KNOOOW!

2008-11-20T19:38:00.003-07:00

Go here to watch the preview for our AWESOME concert. If you are in the Provo area come see this wonderful music!

http://www.byuarts.com/calendar/eventdescription.php?id=940

What flavor of blizzard says "I don't care about my life, I give up, I'm lonely, I suck and am not at all talented and will probably die alone?"

2008-11-16T00:20:00.004-07:00

Ifso facto...I NEED A BOYFRIEND.

If I had to describe my mood as of the past week, I'd describe it as 'lonely.' I guess I'm just bored with how things have been going. I want something new and exciting to happen. I guess I think that if something new happened, it would take me further away from 'those days.' School has sort of been sucking. Violin has sort of been sucking. I wish that had music therapists. Seriously. That would be money well spent for me right now. I just don't think that I'm legit passionate about anything, sometimes I think that it might be music, but if actions speak louder than words that obviously isn't true. At least it doesn't feel like it.

Random side bar- what's up with TRL not being on air anymore? seriously. isn't that like, the POINT of mtv?

Anyway. I have a music history test this week. Should be a good time...not. I ordered a dress tonight for the Hilary Hahn concert over Thanksgiving. I'm SO EXCITED for this. I <3>

Sorry all I ever blog about is music. It's the only thing remotely interesting in my life. Other than my recent self-consuming loneliness. sucky. I want to be who I want to be. hint: that's not who I am right now. I don't know if it's even possible to be that person. hmm. I hope so.

.......in the end I went with brownie peanut butter cup.

Yes, we can.

2008-11-05T00:50:00.003-07:00

"To make democracy work, we must be a notion of participants, not simply observers. One who does not vote has no right to complain."- L'Amour

BARACK OBAMA

44th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Electoral votes:

McCain=163 Obama=338

270 to win.

OOOOOObama! Today has been a good day. As I'm sure that everyone is aware of the results of the election. It was exciting for me for a few different reasons. I voted today for the first time ever. It was SO neat. It really just makes me extremely proud to be a U.S. citizen. Even though not everyone will agree in the end, ultimately, it was our decision. WE decided, and the majority elected him. I personally voted for Barack Obama. I did for lots of reasons really, that I don't really see fit to hound my few blog readers with. Just know that's how I voted. If you did too, then awesome. If you didn't, then that's awesome too! That's the beauty of it all, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

It's just neat. Today was a HUGELY important day in American history, whether you voted for Obama or not, it's undeniable. The current president elect of the United States of America is an African-American. That is HUGE. I can remember sitting in 5th grade when we started learning about the government. ... "Who knows, maybe you'll live to see the first female president, or the first black president." ... today was that day. That's huge, but it doesn't seem like it should be. It shouldn't matter at all the color of his skin or his religion...and to me it doesn't. But for lots of other people it still does. I would have supported Senator McCain had he been elected tonight, I think it's important to support whoever is in office...but I'm glad it is Barack Obama. I'm excited and scared for the future all at the same time. This country is expecting a lot from him.

I'm sure everyone that voted in this election will remember it for the rest of their lives.

Then it's just like, EFFED UP leprochaun situations...you know, like when ripped midgets have like, pony kegged chests?

2008-11-03T20:50:00.004-07:00

Quick-ish update before I head into the lair to practice for a few hours.

So this weekend was SUPPOSED to be a rip roarin good time, which it was fun, but got off to what I am going to call a "rough start." So on Halloween I went and cleaned out my car. Took down my handicap thingy while cleaning up. Forgot to put it back up when I parked at the apartments. Long story short, when I left the house at 6:50 the following morning to leave for Park City to help out Dr. Dabczynski at the UASTA conference, my car was GONE. I had to wake up Alyse, and we had to drive around and find the place that had my car, I had to beg mercilessly to get my car back. I was late picking up Haylie and Madilyn, and we were about 1/2 hour late to the conference. SUCKY.

The conference itself was good. There was some really talented people there. My favorite part of the day was definately listening to the solo finalists. I made some new BYU violin friends. I love BYU. Good times. ALL of the people that played at the finals were AMAZING. It was really motivating. They were great, and they are basically what I'm up against at the Y. Hanging out all day with a ton of string people was a blast-ee-blast.

UM.....that about covers it for now, I'm out of time and have to go practice.

joy. :)

I envoke the right of parlay.

2008-10-29T22:37:00.002-07:00

This little bad boy has basically been the highlight of my day.

YAY!

It literally does it all folks. State of the art metronome and chromatic tuner. Also has a CD player in it and will slow down any CD you put in it to whatever tempo you want without warping the pitch---BEST PART.

To translate---this means that if I can only play the Beethoven Sonata 7 at 112 and the tempo Itzahk Perlman takes is 124 then I can put his CD in and slow it down to 112. I can practice slowly, more accurately, and more in tune with awesome recordings still!......I......KNOW!

Another fabulous part of my day::: So my "practice room in a bag" bag has been abused a bit. It's a little beat up, it's seen it's better days. So I decided to treat myself to a new bag for my music, metronomes, pencils, hair ties, colored pencils, etc. I went to Target-no dice. I went to Ross- found an Andy Worhol bag that I liked, but was the same style as Whitney's only pink with a different picture on it. Then, as if God sent it to me, I spyed out of the corner of my wee little eye a large black bag with a white music note pattern all over it...PERFECT!

I dub today:::...MUSIC ACCESSORIE CHRISTMAS.

Now I just have to be patient until me new toy gets here....YAY?!?!?!

What if the headless horseman's horse was headless? That would be freakin chaos.

2008-10-29T15:41:00.002-07:00

"It's almost ridiculously silly how awful it is for you to even consider 'I can't'...it's not coming from a good source. Don't go there even for a milisecond. You've got everything it takes to do anything you want to on the violin."

should I give up? or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

2008-10-28T22:59:00.002-07:00

I want to be a violinist.

Scratch that. I am a violinist. I want to be the best violinist.

Not for some huge ego trip, not for the recognition, but because I want to be able to play music at THAT level. Again, I understand it in my mind, I can't say it through my willing, but maybe not quite so capable, hands. Something gets lost in translation.

If anyone one out there can hit that one on the head, fill me in.

I've been in such hardcore opera mood, my normal stuff has really been neglected. Playing the violin is just flat frustrating right now. Loving it so much isn't the question. DOING IT is the question. One of my newly found favorite quotes: Success doesn't come from wanting it the most, it comes from wanting it the most often. That's sort of my practicing mantra. It's what gets me up when I don't want to have anything to do with practicing....most days.

I don't know if I can handle all of this crap. And by crap I mean juries.

Which are still 6 weeks away, but have me full on panicing anyway already.

Crap.

Don Giovanni...

2008-10-26T01:14:00.002-07:00

...is over!

I had SO SO much fun playing in the pit with the BYU phil for the Y's production of Don Giovanni. What a marvelous opera by Mozart. It was such a neat experience. Playing in a pit orchestra is always fun. I feel like I'm closer with the violinists in the phil now. I love the music. It's SO beautiful, even if Don Giovanni was a bit of a whore. :). Tonight was awesome. It was closing night, and I think that the orchestra and singers did a great job overall. It was a neat experience for me, who knows if ever again in my life I'll ever have the opportunity to play this music again, I definitely cherished each performance, as long and time consuming as they have been. It's just been great. Violin life in general has been..."ish"...it should improve given that opera is over now. On to my next fish to fry---Berlioz and Symphony Fantastique!!!! yaay my favorite!

BYU seriously rocks.

I think that was Hilter's excuse.

2008-10-16T12:21:00.002-07:00

So I haven't blogged in a while. Haven't felt like it. I really don't feel good today. icky icky. Fall is officially here in Provo, no more summer. I slept longer than I've ever slept in my entire life last night. I fell asleep on my bed watching Baby Mama at like, 5:30. I slept until 11. I fell back asleep at 1 and slept until about noon. It was impressive, even for me. I guess I was tired?

I really should practice my violin. I probably will wait until later tonight though. I feel like wallowing for a bit longer. Practicing the Beethoven with jayne again in the morning. Fun times. Gotta run through it a few more times tonight. Really gotta start buckling down on the Mendelssohn. I have issues with it. I don't know why. I have a music history test today and tomorrow. And tomorrow I start the opera. Fun fun times....

and THIS is why I haven't blogged in forever...my life is boring.

check that one off the list.

2008-10-01T23:11:00.002-07:00

Tonight was my very first BYU concert.

I feel the need to say a few things about tonight before I hit the sack. Even though maybe I wasn't as prepared as I should have been, I still think I did a good job, and I loved it. It was so weird, because I've been watching the BYU phil on BYUtv since I was in junior high...and always wished that one day that could be me. Well, tonight it WAS me. It was just really weird. It hit me full on. This has been where I've been working and working and working to get. I'm here. It hit me while we were about 40ish measures into the Wagner tonight. I looked up at Kory, our conductor, and thought "wow, it is REALLY weird being on THIS side of a concert...being in it, watching him, instead of watching from the sidelines." It was SWEET. The Williams piece we played tonight was so fun. Not too hard, but SO fun. We all had a blast playing it. That's another thing... I already feel like I have friends in orchestra, and I'm a month in! It's great. Even at the U, by November no one really even knew my name except my stand partner. I have tons of fun talking and playing around with the people in my section. It's so fun. Tonight was definitely a great night. I feel so lucky to be in the philharmonic at BYU, and will continue to climb the ladder until my next dream comes true...:)

Being at BYU is going to be a blast....I can tell already.

these are flipping funny.

2008-09-26T23:48:00.003-07:00

I've been walking in the same way as I did.

2008-09-24T20:29:00.002-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've graced my blog with an update, so here we go:

The past threeish weeks have been some of the toughest of my whole life. They've been horrible. I've been really sick. It's been exhausting trying to make it to all my classes and keep myself occupied, but every day it gets slightly better... however, the past few weeks have made me thankful for a few things: my family. my music. church. they've kept me "sane-ish" amidst the crap. the end on that.

School/music life has been complicated. Complicated for reasons that aren't appropriate for my blog...it's been good, but...complicated. yeah. I'm working on Beethoven sonata 7 right now and I LOVE it. I'm excited to be good at it. Also, for string workshop and for 276 I've been playing the string bass and the trumpet. Two instruments I hoped to never ever come in direct contact with...let alone simultaneously.

I've very quickly lost interest in blogging...

Help me believe it's not the real me.

2008-09-04T10:08:00.003-07:00

So: yesterday's events merit a short blog.

School was for the most part amazing/overwhelming. I think that 276 is going to be one of the greatest classes. Also, string workshop. I feel so priveledged to be able to take class from Dr. Dabczynski. I spent about a half our of my day wandering around the HFAC looking for the dreaded "list". Jessica, Matt and I went and saw House Bunny last night. Really, one thumb half up one thumb down. There were some pretty good one liners in it, but it was for the most part not impressive. After, went BACK up to the school to look for the list. It was there. The rest of the night pretty much goes down hill, so I'll start with the one piece of good news: I got into the philharmonic. This is great! I think it's going to push me, and it is a fabulous orchestra. Being in it is a priveledge. However, I did not get into Prof Belknap's studio at the school. This is completely horrible news. This means I'll be taking lessons from an adjunct...never been so happy to only have half hour lessons in my life. However, there is a 2 hour master class involved. Not excited. Anyway, I spent the majority of the night is complete hysterics, crying and freaking out about that. I swear that if I still can't take lessons from him privately and just go to the lessons the school makes me take...bad things will happen. I worked pretty hard over the summer, apparently not hard enough.

AND...apparently taking trazodone while you are already in a panic stricken exhausted state trips your mind out. Because I literally thought that I was going to DIE last night and couldn't figure it out. It scared me so bad that Allyson and Alyse had to drive me to the hospital. It was really scary. I really don't know why that happened. I've been taking those pills for a while and it's never done that to me. When we were at the hosiptal I threw up...probably too much information...but whatever. I don't think I was so much sick as I was freaked out about the pill. Anyway, bad times. Not a great day. Better luck today I guess. Although so far it's not looking too promising.

Are you sick of asking the same questions

2008-08-27T22:04:00.002-07:00

"The bad news is that time flies. The good news is that you're the pilot."-Michael Althsuler

Time. Time to grow up. Time to begin again. Time to put forth an effort.

It's crazy. Time really is yours. At education week last week one of the teachers said something that really made sense to me. I'll paraphrase: Have you ever noticed that people are constantly either chasing time or trying to slow it down? It's because we are eternal beings. We are uncomfortable being here on Earth, governed by time with it's limitations and it's demands.

I've also been thinking a lot about decisions, as made evident in my last blog entry. I've been reflecting on some mistakes I've made recently, and exactly what those decisions have done to my life. They are still having devistating consequences. It sucks. The reality is that you can't go back in time. I truly do value a lot of the mistakes that I've made. They make me more understanding and tolerant of other people. There's one mistake, however, that doesn't feel that way to me. It feels terrible. As time goes on the pain doesn't get better it gets worse. It becomes the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing that I think about at night. Maybe Satan is putting those thoughts in my head to try to discourage me to make even more mistakes, it's worked out well for him before. It just sucks. I'm stuck here and I don't know how to make it better. It's an open wound that not only won't stop bleeding, but that keeps getting bigger ever single day, until one day it will outgrow it's bandage and everyone will see it.

It never ceases to amaze me that I seem to outdo myself every single time.

Impressive, Elyse. Impressive.

the pain you've never been without never moves to the back of your mind.

2008-08-23T22:16:00.002-07:00

My mind is racing right now with things I'd like to write about. First: this week an interesting this has happened. Practicing has literally become my drug. Let me elaborate: it is the only time when I can forget EVERYTHING that sucks and sort of not exist. I'm IN the music. I'm thinking about what I'm playing and not about what happened yesterday or two months ago or whatever. It's my new escape route. Which is pretty awesome, since I need to practice anyway. It's a time when I can escape everything out there and only exist in the background of what is happening musically. You can only think one thing at a time, and that's awesome.

I HATE not knowing what to do. It's literally like at this point in my life I could honestly go SO many directions. It's like standing at a crossroads looking down the infinate paths that you could go down. These decisions may seem insignificant, but the reality is that they influence the rest of your life, they will lead to other decisions that will lead to other decisions. So, I guess it's important to make the right one to begin with. But when you're not sure which way you should be going down...you're scared to take a commited step in any which direction. At this point I'm sitting cross legged in the middle of the road, I've completely ripped up the map, and am hoping someone wanders by and will either just tell me which way to go or let me just tag along with them, and escape the decision all together.

It's hard when you can't trust your own thoughts. Especially when you really can't tell what is you and what is something divine trying to help you out. I think I've been wrong before...we all have I guess...but seriously! Why does this keep happening? I don't want to make decisions anymore! They are too hard and the consequences are scary to think about. I think I'm really starting to understand that concept for the first time in my life.

I want to be good. I feel like I have so many underdeveloped talents that would help other people and make me feel better about myself. It's like there's a completely different person camped out inside of me. She's lost her compass, and it's an overcast night and she can't see the stars.

I'm sick and tired of going in circles. It's exhausting.

Thought provoking quotes from "The Mastery of Music" part I.

2008-08-15T00:42:00.002-07:00

Technique is not music. Music is the thousandth of a millisecond between one note and another, how you get from one to the other---that's where the music is. -Isaac Stern

When you doubt you have the skills or haven't properly prepared, you are in a way consciously choosing to fail. This is really chososing the low road. Rather than calling this courage, I'd call it foolishness. -Barry Green

It takes courage to recognize your dream and follow it, through good times and rough times, under a hail of criticism and praise, from the first moment of recognition that music is a key element in your life up ontto the concert platform or into the recording studio, and onward through a lifetime of making music. And it may take counltess hours of willing sacrifice-of the courageous kind. -Barry Green

For me, practicing leads to a place where you are onstage and there isn't this reed, there isn't this technique, there is just music happening and it feels good. -Eddie Daniels

Robert Bloom prided himself on not practicing much (he said he wanted the words If only he had practiced inscribed on his tombstone).

You may think, Well, gee, I should be playing fast---but your finger is now holding dow that note. A lot of times when people play fast they think it is the movement between notes that really makes the difference, but it's not, it's arriving and being at the right place that really creates accuracy in playing a fast passage. When you are sitting on a note, you are getting to know what it feels like to play the exact note, you are familiarizing yourself with its position. Let yourself experience the sound and feeling of the note, by playing very, very slow. -Eddie Daniels

Confidence comes from not making mistakes, and avoiding mistakes is a matter of picking the right speed. -Alan Vogel

This is what the discipline of preparation is all about---having the confidence and comfort with the music to be ready for the moment to move and inspire in performance. This is where the artistry comes in. It all comes down to motivation. -Barry Green

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Sometimes it's the calm and humor you exhibit under fire that releases tension and allows you to perform at a higher level. -Barry Green

you'll be a bitch because you can.

2008-08-14T15:56:00.002-07:00

LESSON DAY:

Today goes down in the books as being....well...I don't want to call it the worst lesson of all time, but I guess I will say that and then qualify that statement. So, today's lesson was the worst lesson of all time:

I was feeling good going into it! I had just run through the Grieg a few times at home and it felt in good shape. Got there, talked a bit. Tried to play. I don't know what it is, but as soon as I get the violin up to my chin and go to put the bow on the string I flipping panic. It shouldn't be like that at lessons! It really shouldn't! He's said it before: lessons are a place to try things out and not be afraid...anyway. I tried to regroup and figure it out numerous times...but just couldn't. And it was so frustrating because I had literally just played the stupid thing like, twice as well thirty minutes prior! I started crying. Which sucked. I've made it this whole time without crying in front of him, but there was no getting around it today. He wanted me to try playing it again, but I said no. Which maybe was a cop out, but my brain was shot and I didn't want to traumatize myself further for no good reason. Anyway, at the beginning of the lesson we talked about my motives for playing the violin, and that I really need to figure out why I do it. So, while all of this is fresh in my mind I'm going to figure it out:

WHY I PLAY THE VIOLIN:

What comes to mind first is because I play pretty well. I enjoy the way I sound and I think that I have great tone. I think my bow hold is beautiful. I play because I really do LOVE music. It has become a part of who I am, so when I am falling short of my own expectations it breaks my heart. I don't know how else to explain it. When I'm playing the violin, and doing well at it, I feel beautiful. I love the feeling I have while playing in a symphony or attending a concert. I play because I want to be good at performing. I have many things I wish I could say. I want to say them with music. I have an expectation of what I should sound like at all times, and if what I hear doesn't match that it tortures me. I have done little performing. A lot of the performing experiences I had as a kid were not positive experiences, and instead of working through them I ran from them, and now it's even worse. I have really one dream for my musical self (is there any other?)::: I want to play a concerto as a soloist with a huge symphony. I want to be good enough at managing my emotions while I perform that at that point my perfomance will satisfy my constant thirst for the violin. I want to get my voice out there, and I want to influence the audience for the better.

There it is, with a guess I few side tangents along the way. Anyway, I've had about an hour to sit and think about exactly what happened today at my lesson, and WHY it happened. I figured it out, or at least a part of it. Things all started to get kinda rocky once I actually started going to school at the Y. I suddenly realized that I was IN and the risk that people were taking by letting me be here, and all of the violinists that wanted in but were denied. That's a lot of pressure. I feel constant pressure from myself to not disappoint my teachers in any way, or to disappoint myself. The truth: The Y scares me shitless. It's where I want to be. It IS my number one school. If you offered me Eastman or Julliard, I'd stay at the Y. I'm HERE. And that scares the crap out of me. Even just thinking about it now scares me. I don't want to waste my time, or worse, anyone else's time. Being honest with myself: I have let a lot of my practice habits dwindle out. I need to be more religious about it. The problem is that I don't know how to work without obsessing. And obsessing gives me anxiety. Anxiety makes practicing a living hell. Wow- I said that well. I need to seriously jump back on the practice train and see if I can't just work through some of these problems. School is starting again soon. Scary? yes.

I don't even remember what your ears look like.

2008-08-09T00:08:00.002-07:00

How can you look at that picture and not instantly want to curl up into a little ball? It's adorable! (It's a polar bear in case you can't tell....) It makes ME happy anyway. But sad at the same time cause I just wanna hold it. Enough on weird polar bear picture.

I watched Charlie Bartlett today. I really liked it. If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest it. It's just a great movie. It sorta went a bit different than I thought....but still a good movie I think.

Also went up to the ampitheater with Whitney and helped make the set for the Merry Wives of Windsor. I think it's gonna end up looking pretty sweet. Think I'm gonna go up there and paint tomorrow. Should be a good time. I think I might have moderately pissed off the director though cause I told him that one of the saw cuts he did was "the shittiest cut I'd ever seen" and then proceeded to like...lean a board on him like a wall...the comment wasn't supposed to be bitchy and the board thing was totally an accident....perhaps I'll have to bring him a goody tomorrow.

*thought: working on the set tonight made me kinda sad, because it was fun, and I wondered how much fun I would have had if I had done drama in high school. I bet it would have been a blast. I can totally see myself being a drama dork now. It's fun. It appeals to me.

Now...I think I am going to surf iTunes for a few minutes and redo my calendar cause it's still on July and is really annoying me. Not like my schedule is uber packed for august or something...it just bugs.

Tomorrow my goal is to go out and be social a little. Also a priority: practicing.

Yes, a little violin would be good for the soul.

The piano knows something I don't know.

2008-08-06T22:25:00.003-07:00

This is Bob Vila.

He thinks that he is crafty.

But then again he's never met me.

I am one crafty beotch.

Haha well I certainly felt crafty today. I didn't do anything miraculous, just took apart my bed and organized my whole room again. It looks like I'm moving out though, my matress and box spring are in the hall, and there is currently no bed in my bedroom. It was needed for two reasons. 1) I just bought a sweet brand new bed. Yes, that's right blog readers. A mere 5 days after my 21st bday I have finally graduated from a twin bed to a luxurious queen. Be proud. I am an adult now. It's official. HA! 2) The room was messy. Many things needed to be gotten rid of in order to adequately fit my new bed in and still be able to sort of walk around. AND it just felt good to go through things and 'remake' my surroundings. I was stuck in a bad way. Hopefully this helps. I still am having pretty serious anxiety...but maybe this new outlook with take the edge off a bit. **cross your fingers**

What didn't get done today? um I didn't practice, and I didn't go the gym. better luck tomorrow.

Hmm what else to say. There really isn't anything. I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep myself happy. It is sort of helping, but really not.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am losing it. I hope not. That would be greatly unfortunate. Also, I feel like I'm getting sick. Hopefully not. I ordered some new posters for my "new room" and I CAN NOT wait for them to get here. Here they are. They rock:

Michael Buble. Need I explain why I decided I needed this in my room adoring my walls? Well...no.

I'm not really sure WHY I liked this one...I just did.

I just rather liked this one as well. It's like you're watching from a window and the couple has no idea that they are being watched because they are so in their own little world. The artwork itself is stunning to me.

Also, NOTE TO MY ANON BLOG READER(S)::: Alright, I'm intrigued. Not that I don't want people reading my blog. I do! It would be pathetic and rather sad if no one did. BUT...who are you? Do I know you or are you some random person who lives in Nowhere, USA and happened upon my blog one day? hmmm?

cause you won't get him wishin and a'hopin.

2008-08-03T20:38:00.004-07:00

Okay so I've got tons of thoughts in my brain right now, I really want to get them down. But I don't know if my words can accurately express what's going on.

So here it goes::: P.S. this blog will mostly follow the subject of a boy nature....so consider yourself warned.

I had a weird dream last night again....but it was one of those dreams that you wake up from and literally want to just die because the dream wasn't real. And it felt real. Which makes it even worse. It was the best dream. I will spare you the complete details, but here's an interpretation of some of the main plot points of this epic dream i had:

Engagement ring:

To dream that you are engaged to be married, represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness.

Getting engaged can mean your subconscious mind is exploring the idea of commitment or new beginnings

Building collapse:

To see a building in ruins or damaged, indicates that your approach toward a situation or relationship is all wrong. You need to change. Your own self-image may have suffered and taken some blow.

Loved one injured:

But if your dream involved others being hurt, it is a warning that you could be in danger of being hurt by someone who is pretending to be something they aren't.

No bueno. I don't really know what to think of that dream. anyway.

one year older, and wiser too?....nah.

2008-08-02T00:35:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday to ME.

That's right all. I'm 21.
Which to me rings a bit ironic, seeing as how I do not drink anymore.

Anyway, now seems as good a time as any for a little reflection. It feels like my 20th birthday was yesterday. It feels like I haven't accomplished anything in the past year really, or become a better person than I was then. In fact, I venture to say that I've probably back tracked in maturity in the past year. It feels like it last year. Although, there are 2 things that have been good. 1. Prof Belknap 2. BYU. The end. I guess that what comes along with both of those things are pretty amazing, but as a person I don't feel like I've developed really at all. I feel worse off than I was a year ago. Ruh-roh.

I don't want this year to go by as quickly as last year did. It all makes me a bit anxious. Once again, the reality of "another year went by, and guess what? You're still alone" has reared it's ugly head again tonight. I don't want that bitch slap next year on my birthday, but it might be that way. Sad. I know I'm only 21, but getting old really freaks me out. It's also amazing to me how when you are little your birthday is the biggest deal, and the older you get the more it feels like just another normal day, and you realize that the world is no different, and no one is really even aware that it's your birthday. That's sorta depressing. But it's part of life.

Also, I have a violin lesson tomorrow. I think it's time that I sat down and got all this crap out in the open with him, because my lessons have been SUCKING for about the past month. I need to say sorry, cause I feel really bad, and just sort of clear the air as to why I've been less than myself recently. I need to know that he knows my practice plan and is good with it. Yep, tomorrow we'll have a chat.

So anyway, back on the point. What do I want out of my 21st year?

Happiness.

walking the path you have shown me, somehow I'm still losing ground.

2008-07-27T06:50:00.002-07:00

One painful step at a time.

I realized something, well, a few things, at around 4:00 a.m. this morning.

1.) Sometimes doing what is honorable isn't as easy as you'd think.

2.) Even if the consequence sucks, doing the right thing will never make you hate yourself.

3.) Trusting what your heart is whispering to your head is usually the right thing to do.

Looks like I have no other choice in this situation, but to close my eyes and feel my way around.

Don't squeeze.

2008-07-24T22:49:00.003-07:00

The only thing keeping the shred of optimism about life I have left:

M.U.S.I.C.

you tell me the beginning of your music has no end

you tell me your music is eternal

I tell you the end of my music has no beginning

I must tell you my music ended when yours began

my music ends when yours begins

my music will end

definitely and decidedly and elegiacally

when your music will begin

your heart is already singing a sweet love song with no end

eternal bliss

while my song ends

before it begins

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I also just realized how weird/cool it is when someone says you have something memorized you are playing it "by heart".

I dunno, the literalness of that is cool to me.

Feeling down? Saddle up!

2008-07-18T21:44:00.002-07:00

Feeling very reminiscant about the horse days.

Enjoy some corny horse quotes:

People have always cared me a bit, you see - they're so complicated. I suppose that's why I prefer horses.

If you want a stable friendship, get a horse.

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.

No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle.

A lovely horse is always an experience.... It is an emotional experience of the kind that is spoiled by words.

And this one is just stupidly silly:

He knows when you're happy. He knows when you're comfortable. He knows when you're confident. And he always knows when you have carrots.

But you weren't honest, now get in the ground.

2008-07-17T07:13:00.004-07:00

K.

I'm in class right now. Listening to Bro Powley go off about our next library assignment...which no doubt will be freakishly riveting.

ANYWAY. I didn't sleep at all last night. I tried. I freaking tried. No caffeine, took a nice shower, took a sleeping pill. No dice. I layed in bed until about 6:20 and gave up. Cause if I happened to fall asleep there would be NO getting me up for music history.

So. I'm pissy. My stomach is growling, not because I'm hungry, but because it's angry at me. I had to smuggle my freaking diet coke into class...gotta love byu. So anyway, I'm sitting in class, just barely got my foot up on the chair in front of me with my laptop gently cooing.

AND THIS KID WALKS IN LATE...AND SITS DOWN IN THE SEAT WHERE MY FOOT IS AT!

Who does that? Doesn't that piss you off? Like if you are at the movie theaters and the person sits RIGHT in front of you? There are sixteen people in my music history class...and probably easily one hundred seats in the classroom we meet in. WHY DO THAT?

Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. It was distracting me from learning about 17th century german politics and it's relation to music of the time.

But you weren

2008-07-17T07:13:00.001-07:00

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing. You cut me open and I keep bleeding love.

2008-07-10T23:57:00.002-07:00

Words literally fail me right now.

It's been an interesting day or so.

I need to force myself to keep busy, therefore, I think I'm going to get a job. Having little/nothing to do is really not good for me. My mind is too active.

You know that feeling you get when you've been running and you try to swallow? Nothing gets down, your throat is bone dry. You need a drink SO bad, but nothing gets rid of that huge dry lump in the back of your throat?

That's what I feel like.

and not because I'm thirsty.

AH.

He's never enough, and still he's more than I can take.

2008-07-10T01:18:00.002-07:00

It's time for a blog.

Today I commited a "sacrificial falsehood."

As a result, now I am probably going to gain 5 pounds in ONE day and just simply want to die. However, it makes for a dang funny story. What I sacrifice....what I sacrifice.

I'm not capable of having a relationship right now. I realized this tonight as I was driving around, singing appropriately sappy and corny love songs applicable to my current situation. I do not love myself. I think I'm ugly. I do not find myself attractive. This means: I do not understand why or even HOW it's possible that someone else could see that in me. It literally seems impossible for me to believe. So I don't believe it. And I remain alone all of the time, because deep down inside I literally think that I deserve to be alone.

I think, therefore I am. ----truth.

I need to change how I feel about myself. It's not going to be an easy process at all. It's one that I realize that I need to take if I ever want to have a legit relationship with...."(insert name)"...

I can try to convince myself that I'm worth it, but deep down I honestly believe I'm not worth it.

I feel better about myself when I'm around him. I feel better about life. I feel better about everything. He makes me happy. Very few people out there can do that. He's special.

I had a dream about him last night. That hasn't happened in a while. A LONG while. And then he calls me? I hate to sound crazy, but WEIRD stuff like that happens all of the time. I knew I'd hear from him soon. I just knew. Maybe that's why it happened? Cause I believed it would? Who knows. All I know is that I'm better when I'm with him. That's something very special indeed. I wish he knew that. I wish I had the gonads to just say it. Spill it. Tell him how I feel, lay it out there. That way if he really didn't recipricate the feelings, it would be done and I could try to get over it. Too bad I'm not that brave. I'm not even brave enough to call him...ever.

I'm better when I'm with him, and I want him to be a part of my life. I want that chance.

You seem to take premise to all of these songs.

2008-07-08T00:22:00.002-07:00

Im exhuasted.

My life has become exhausting. I wish I could go back to a year ago and have a redo on a few things. Then I knew. Then I was there. I was ready. Not anymore.

I want to rewind. But then I sit here and think...maybe everything really DOES happen for a reason...maybe if things hadn't played out the way they have I would have never ended up at BYU...if there's only one thing in my life I feel good about, it's that I know for a fact I should be at BYU. I've known it forever. It kinda sucks. It would be a plus if I felt good while I was here.

I want to completely enjoy BYU. I don't just want to wander back and forth to class. I want to live it.

I'm living a toxic lifestyle right now. I know it's not good for me, but I can't stop. It's addicting. I'm hopefully going to be getting help with that very soon though. I really think I'm ready to completely wipe everything away. I just wish I wasn't so...bitter? No...bitter isn't the right word. Let's go with cranky. Cranky fits pretty well. I wish I wasn't so cranky.

I need to start figuring a lot of this out right now though...cause I just keep getting the feeling that time is running out. Do it now.

Gotta do it now.

This is really going to hurt, isn't it? This time I'm going to be me. Cause the real me needs a bitch slap. A few of them, actually.

The real me needs an attitude adjustment.

This sucks.

If only I could go back to a little over a year ago and see what was going to happen in the next year. I don't think I would believe it. It's crazy. Cause it really does just start with ONE choice you know you shouldn't make...but for some reason you do it anyway. then...BOOM. It's a year later and that ONE mistake has led you to make infinately more. Some of which you never thought you'd ever make.

But the reality of it all, is that you've made them, and there's nothing you can really do now. Gotta choke down your changing reality. You mixed the drink yourself...now you gotta drink it, every last drop. No matter how bitter it tastes and how bad it burns going down your throat. Cheers.

I don't like this. It isn't right.

This isn't how it should be.

I'm not sure what it "should be" intales...but I know that this isn't it.

I want it to how it should be. And I want to realize it. Take it in. Enjoy it. Live it.

I want to be able to focus on my music, instead of not being able to find the emotional energy to practice, which has been the case often as of late. I want to be able to focus on creating...not on the thought that I don't deserve to be making music, let alone be playing with Prof. Belknap. I don't want those thoughts floating through my head at lessons. But it's there. I know it's stupid. But it's still there. Recently I've forced myself to shove those thoughts out long enough to "fake perform" at lessons...or to play that thought, and how bad it makes me feel. That sometimes works. I just want music. No complicated self-loathing thoughts. No second guessing. Just music. And I won't be happy until that happens.

This is keeping me from experiencing music the way it should be experienced. I'm hurting myself.

You took your time and stashed it away deep inside a cardboard box marked "rainy day".

2008-07-03T16:10:00.002-07:00

I had a very insightful day.

Slowly but surely Dr. Dabczynski is becoming one of my favorite people. What I know of where his life and career has taken him is completely fascinating. I love it. He lets you into his world just enough so that you can see he is human. He's hilarious. Anyway. Today was my last day in Music Careers 176...gotta go turn in my protfolio later tonight and then I'm done with it! Cross your fingers and hope I'm accepted to the major! However, I really feel about 95% positive I'm good to go. He sort of went off on a tangent, of which he does very very often. He started talking about when his parents dropped him off at Eastman,where he was a viola performance major. His dad said to him something like this : "Son, what you are doing here is a really, really great thing. However, if you make it through the program and get on the other side, and you change your mind and want to drop it....who cares? You will have an extremely precious education. No one can take that away from you." True that. It really made me think. School prepares you for a career...and that's what everyone is ALWAYS thinking about....but why can't we enjoy the ride!?!? Let's slow down and take some extra time to let things, ideas, and experiences really sink in. It made me think. He also had a really good story to tell about trains. Sometimes trains switch to another track, but they always rejoin with the one they left eventually. That's how the Lord thinks about our lives sometimes. Who cares which "side road" you take, so long as you end up in the same place? When it comes to which school to go to or what job to take---maybe there's more than one right answer? It's like the Lord is holding out a plate of cookies saying "choose one." He doesn't really care which one we choose, as long as it's what we want. All of the cookies will taste equally good. Really really insightful stuff that I knew already, but had explained to me in a different light. It was a really special class.

i won't let this miracle slip away from me.

2008-07-02T19:19:00.001-07:00

When you try to hard, you become tense. It makes it harder to play.

"You know you're good. I know you're good. The world knows you're good. Get over it and just play."

WORD.

She can't complain.

2008-06-29T23:24:00.004-07:00

This pic of Brahms rocks!

A few things are on my mind right now:

I should be sleeping. I have to get up at the CRACK of dawn to get a crapload of homework done. Yay. Then it's off to Ephraim to rehearse some Brahms. We are playing a sextet. It's bomb. If we can pull it off. Cross your fingers...twice!

I love the violin! We knew this already. I've been doing what Prof Belknap said this week....so hopefully this week isn't as emotionally traumatic as last week. haha. He should charge more money.

Being at Snow this week as been really....goodish/weird.

I love that place! Literally, my favorite place in the WHOLE world. the WHOLE world, is sitting on the ledge outside the first practice room facing the football field. I just LOVE it. It's so perfect. How lame is that? I blasted love that place! It's been really weird being down there, but it's also been good. It's not as painful as it was a while ago, still moderately, but not bad. It's been good to hang around and practice there. It just goes to show that things can never be like they were, but that doesn't mean they can't still be good and worth something. Just because I don't go to school there anymore doesn't mean it doesn't exist anymore, or that I had no effect on the place/people there and it had no effect on me. I can still go back whenever I want. That is comforting. It still has been a TRIP though. All in all, it's been a really good experience thus far.

I'm freaking out cause my ears need to pop and they won't. My music ed teacher was going off about how over half of us will lose our hearing because of iPod headphones and loud speakers when we are older, now i'm hella paranoid about going deaf. I can't really imagine anything worse than that. He seriously scared me.

I have so much effing work to do this week...let's not even get into that! School, ensemble, private practice...it's stressing me out.

Note to self: Next time prof belknap tells you to do something, do IT! Playing 192 arpeggios every single day has not been a blast. Let this be a lesson to the wise.

I've got a book of matches, I've got a can of kerosene.

2008-06-25T18:52:00.002-07:00

I GOT MY ASS CHEWED TODAY.

My lesson. Was rough.

I sucked. Note for the future: eat before your lesson.

What I want to remember:

I can have a brilliant performing career. I don't believe it right now. What I do I do for us. We are a team, not independents. What I do effects him and what he does effects me. We BOTH have to follow through. I have a "perfect 10" in a few categories. Practically no one has that. I can do things already at his level, if not higher. I paint in many beautiful colors, colors no one else has painted with, but I don't know how to paint in red. He asked me why I practice. The whole answer to that question in my heart, is because I want to perform. I want to perform so badly that it kills me almost. However, I can't admit that. I realized that today. Because what if it doesn't happen? Then I look like an ass. I ALSO realized today, that I really look like an ass when I don't do what he says. Lessons aren't a place to be nervous, they are a place to experiment.

I want to paint in red. I want to paint in colors that have never been made.

I want to perform.

That's all.

Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

2008-06-18T18:30:00.002-07:00

LESSON DAY:

I was moderately nervous...seeing as how I didn't hit it quite as hard this week due to finals and whatever. It went decent. What stood out for me today: I need to get the expression of the Saint Saens mvnt 2 down, memorize it, and vibrate the living crap out of it. Also, I am not excited about this weeks upcoming assignment: all 96 arpeggios every single day. (I think he can tell I'm not religiously doing scales/arpeggios...so I'm being punished.)...so this sucks.
Also: He thinks I can have a legitimate performing life if I keep at it. We're talking a LEGIT one...like 6ish years away. We're talking a legit UTAH performance life: 1-2 ish years. This makes me very excited. Cause that's my DREAM. I want to be the best violinist at BYU. I know not now...but at some point. I can do it. Eventually that'll be me. I feel like if I consistantly keep working my butt off it'll happen. Gotta practice smart, not hard. Also, I'm a good student! He tells me something: I fix it. End of story. This is good. Seriously, violin playing is slowly but surely becoming the only thing I want to care about...it's taken a while to build up to the amount I've been practicing right now. Which is only 3 hours a day. Eventually I'll be cranking out about 5-6 a day. That is scary. But at one point in my life, practicing an hour a day was satisfying. An hour a day, occasionally, was satisfying. Now if I do anything under 3 hours, I feel like I haven't done my job. This is cool, and oddly irritating at the same time. Whatevs. The violin rocks. The end.

Today I took my BOM final. Got a B. I'm good with this. Tonight I have about 6 hours of studying for music history ahead of me. The final scares me a LOT. I can't wait for it to be over. In one day it will be, and that is an encouraging thought, to say the least. After I take that, I have to cram for the humanities final. It's tomorrow...and I honestly haven't really thought about it at all because of the other 2, which are/were more stressful. It's rough. But then it's a brand new semester! And I get to take careers of music ed! Should be a good time with Dr. Dab. Also-I get my hair done on Friday, which is awesome. Cause it's grown out in a non-hot way, and my bangs are insanely unruly. Those biotches. It's a good time for a fresh take on everything.

Word.

"The best performers are the ones who can memorize the most details."

Will I find what I lost? You can bet on it.

2008-06-14T01:12:00.003-07:00

I'm out of it.

My life is not cutting it for me right now.

I can't even verbalize why.

However, a side effect of this dis-harmony is the fact that my sleeping is WAY beyond out of wack. I will literally go 48 hours without sleeping, then crash for 12 hours...then repeat that same cycle. I just can't sleep. And it's really starting to effect my life. It makes me cranky when I'm awake. It screws up any feeling of normalcy I would be feeling. It messes up my practicing schedule...it messes with my study schedule. It just messes me up. And it gets to the point where it's not funny that I'm staying up all night every other night. It gets to the point to where I start to wonder how many sleeping pills would kill me...and if taking just under that would help me sleep. It just seems ridiculous. I hate it. I feel like I'm living in a different dimension or something...which trips me out even more...cause I know I'm not and that the world has always been like this, I've just been sleeping through it...which is WEIRD. It's warping my reality. It makes me nervous all the time.

Enough on that.

I've decided I'm going to stop apologizing to myself for the fact that I'm not happy. I'm not. I want to be. I really want to be. I'm going to start working on it, but it's just really frustrating. People always say that you CHOOSE to be happy. I've tried choosing to be happy, and I just don't see how it works. I honestly try to make a concious decision to be happy. It might work for a day or two...but it's not permanent.

I can only describe the way I've been feeling the past two weeks ish has been living in some bizarre twilight zone. I don't like how it's been making me feel. And I wish I was confident enough to feel like there are people out there that want to hang out with me, but I really don't. Cause I don't enjoy hanging with myself. At all. This really just sucks.